The monster is me

Please help me!

Turn it off delete it eradicate me

Lobotomize me destroy me make it go away

God help me make it stop I have suffered enough

I can't handle much more, I've reached my breaking point

I'm about to break! and I can't stop it anymore

I sink deeper and deeper into dark water

My head is a mess I can't think straight

The monsters inside the monster is me

Scared and alone inside a dark closet

Questions without answers

In my stupid little head I'm fooling myself

I was waiting for someone, anyone, to save me

I thought everyone knew understood

It was so visible so obvious

The violence, the fear, all of the dark secrets

All the dirty, disgusting games, the disease inside those walls

I'm still there trapped in my past

They stole my childhood my life I'm still trapped inside the closet

I'm still the little boy trying to escape myself

But I never got out, I never broke free

I never grew up, I never learned how to live

I died right then and there, scared and alone inside a dark closet

Don't ask!

Don't ask

I'm not okay I'm empty and cold

You can't reach me today, I'm disconnected

I breathe but I don't live

The rope is ready, I'm hanging on by a thread

I keep staring at the ceiling

I try to feel something but I can't

I don't know how so I suffer in silence

So don't ask if I'm alright

My mind is broken and all I have left is a death wish

I can't do this anymore!

Too, too much of it

It's never enough! I'm drowning

I'm choking on my own thoughts

I'm not afraid to die I'm afraid to live

I can't keep up with my own emotions

I'm a wreck a mess I'm fucked up

I don't want to wake up to this madness anymore

I can't even cry I don't know how

I can't smile I've forgotten how

I'm tired, exhausted, I can't do this anymore

I am broken

Who am I?

I try to remember

But it fades it blackens

There is no light left within me

I died a long time ago I'm just a ghost

No dreams no longing everything is gone

I can't see any future, nothing in front of me

So who am I what am I

I am nothing I am emptiness, loneliness I am broken

They always come back

There is no cure

It's too late to find a way out

This is the only way I know how to survive

I've done it my whole life

I locked everything inside I swallowed everything

The dark secrets inside my mind

But they leak they always come back

I can't escape I can't hide

There's nowhere to run I'm trapped in myself

Forced to live through the nightmare again

A broken family tree

This is not a life

It's a death sentence

Bad Seeds and Bad Genes

Born into disease nurtured by violence and madness

They sickened the legacy of a broken family tree

There's no hope for a better life

What goes around, comes around

And we all lose in the end that's just the way life is

I know reality hurts but you could have saved me

Are you better off lying and denying!

You continue to pretend that nothing happened.

Just keeps shoving it down my throat!!. Every damn time you open your mouth

You say it can't be true!! It never happened!! That I'm lying!!

Open your damn eyes and see reality!

Look what this life has done to me

Understand that I was both raped, sexually abused, physically and mentally abused

I'm not the one living in denial! It's you!!

So emotionally cold apathetic and heartless!

So blinded by your own truth! You are well aware of everything!

You are such a fucking coward! you wouldn't even dare admit the truth

Because in your world you were always the victim

So blind and twisted in your sick little mind you closed your eyes and watched me die

One two three! I know you know it's all true!! I can't forgive or forget everything you did to me

I know reality hurts but you could have saved me

But instead you closed your eyes and threw me out

Karama is a bitch and now it's killing you

Stay the fuck away from me!

I can't remember!

I don't know how it feels anymore.

There is no joy, no longing, no hope.

So emotionally empty so cold trapped inside

Haunted by memories so dark so terrifying.

Abused, exploited and used up

Thrown away and abandoned sexually exploited

So dirty so disgusting so useless!

I'm still that little boy I'm still there

I'm trapped I can't escape there's no way out

1,2,3, Will be the death of me!

I can't live with the memories of you

All the dirty little things you did to me are slowly killing me

50 fucking years of shame, pain, hate, anger

A lifetime of depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts

I'm dead inside but I'm still alive

You raped me exploited me you took everything from me

You sweet little sister and your dirty little lies

I hope you choke on your own sins! remember 1,2,3,

Remember the sick disgusting games you played with me

Remember all the sexual abuse Remember the games you made us play,

Please stay the fuck away from me!

I'm not okay!

I'm not right!

I'm not okay

There are so many broken things inside me

traumatized by my own thoughts

paralyzed incapacitated no control i'm losing it

There is no hope for the hopeless!