The riot is me

Something in me has to stop

I have ants in my pants and a riot in my head

I can't be stil, l and get no rest

My heart is racing and my body is shaking

I keep spinning, I'm overheated and overthinking

Body and mind out of control! eror something is wrong

I try to lie down but my head keeps spinning

My body aches and I'm still shaking

There is no stopping and I can't help it

This is how it's always been!

I still remember

First memory

Lying on the floor in the fetal position feels like dying

Unbearable torment and pain I am screaming and crying

My body is burning everything is hurting

A million razor blades cutting through my bare skin

The pain is devastating my heart is breaking

A blood disease that dropped me to the floor

I prayed for my life and hoped to die

I was just a baby but I still remember

All the pain, the suffering and the total agony

And Sometimes I can even feel all that inside me

I'm a physical wreck

I just want to have a single day without stress

Just a minute an hour, a little peace of mind

I need time to process, adjust

I have to stop and catch my breath

I'm completely drained, there's nothing left

My energy has run its course there is no fuel left in me

I'm so torn apart, all out of breath and I'm a physical wreck

I'm still here

I've tried everything!

I've walked down dark alleys

Danced in the gutter

In pursuit of self-destruction.

I was constantly looking for something

Home sweet suicide!! The demon alcohol

Whatever I could find to ease the pain

Always looking for a fight to be beaten

It was always easier to deal with physical pain

Bruises disappear and wounds heal

But psychological and mental abuse, violence and rape

Leaves a permanent scar that never heals

So don't call me a survivor this is not surviving

I died a long time ago and my life was stolen from me

I don't know how I made it this far but I'm still here

Darkness

I can't take it all in. I can't focus

I don't understand why I can't see I'm so blind

I'm afraid to admit it but I'm lost

I'm trying to reach out to grab something

I need direction and a guiding light

That leads me through all this darkness

I don't belong!

I live a life on the outside.

I don't belong here I don't want to be one of the crowd.

A cold and lost world without empathy and trust

A world without hope, no future

Where no one stops to breathe

Everyone rushes through life looking for something

A pursuit of something so pointless and insignificant

Where novelty is all there is

Everyone sells a false and distorted image of a perfect life.

A cold and hard world so blind so empty and so misleading

Where everyone is looking for the next big thing!

Life is meant to be lived not bought!!

I'm lost in a world where I don't belong

I was never good enough!

The fear of letting go

I don't know why I keep hurting myself

I'm afraid of tomorrow and what's to come

I continue to drag myself below the surface

Forcing myself to believe in something

I am fighting for survival in a dying battle

This is a war I cannot win

I have to break away from myself

I was never good enough anyway

It never ends!!

Every time I think it's over

It hits me harder and harder.

The more I struggle, the more everything falls apart

I'm trying to get over my past

I try to climb all the obstacles tear down the walls.

But I keep falling apart all over

There is no beginning it never ends!!

It is a never-ending story!!

One word

How did I get here?

I'm sitting here all alone with tears in my eyes!

I still wonder why it all happened.

No warning everything went too far and too fast

I lost control I crash and burn

It struck without warning, no time to react!

Never realized where it was all going.

Before it was already too late.

It shattered my life. it only took one word

To destroy everything

So how the hell did I end up here?

Hell inside my head!!

When Reality Hits!!

You don't even have time to react.

Sleepless nights!

All those wasted years.

Alone is strong what a joke

I have never been weaker.

I sacrificed everything and everyone to survive!

Left everything and everyone behind

But look at me now and where it led me

I became everything I didn't want to be

I might as well have finished it all.

But refuses to give up refuses to die!

In a sick way, I've already killed myself

Social suicide, and isolation took my life away

It was the only way I knew to save myself

From this hell inside my head!!

I am so tired

A dark cell of uncertainty and fear

No destination, nowhere to go

Overthinking that drains me

I'm trapped in this hell hole

I keep sinking!! While I'm drinking

My head is spinning my heart is racing

Emotional overload I can't stop

My mind is going crazy,

I'm headed for a breakdown

A million thoughts at the speed of light

A curse of an overactive brain

I am so tired so drained no energy no strength

It literally drives me mentally insane

I'm not sick!!

Who am I.

I'm not crazy I'm not an idiot

I have feelings I have thoughts.

I am a living being, human just like you

So don't try to change me! just understand me

You can't save me. You can't cure me

I may be sick but I am not a disease

Try to understand that life made me this way

This is me this is my life my reality

This is what life has done to me!!

You can't save me or change me

Accept me as I am I'm not sick!!

This is my life

I can't explain everything I went through

There are no pictures No words to describe it

The emotional chaos, the experiences

All the anxiety, the fear, the constant panic

A journey full of violence, physical and psychological abuse

A journey that no one would understand or survive!

It can be described or explained

There was no safety net. No help!

No one there to save me but I live I breathe!

This is my life, my reality, my story

So-called life

It feels like a lifetime ago

What I learned as a child

Which became a pattern to survive

To crawl into the closet and disappear

Over the years I continued to lock myself away

I isolated myself, left everything and everyone behind

It was the only way I knew to survive, this so-called life

A decade inside

No social interaction

I have been isolated for over a decade

Surrounded by these four walls

I hid my head under a rock and disappeared

I shut out the world and everything in it

I left everything behind, forgot how to live

I drowned in my own sorrow, suffocated by my own fear

I locked the door and threw away the key

I turned off the light and faded away

A decade inside this apartment from hell!!

I don't want to live here anymore

I can't help it

I don't know whether to laugh or cry

Maybe it's funny, maybe it's stupid

But that's just me tripping over my own feet

I persist in repeating the same mistakes over and over again

Same old story no atraction just a reaction

Just to feel something other than sadness

Maybe I'm stupid I guess I am

But that's me and I can't help it

I'm not that strong

The fear of letting go

Continues to drag me down

I don't know why I keep hurting myself

I have to learn to crawl again

Before I can walk a straight line

Cleanse all my wounds and heal my soul

Break those nasty thoughts inside me

I have to break free from my insecurities

So take my hand guide me through this

I need your strength to survive it

I'm not that strong without you

The real me

I just want you to see the real me

There is so much more than this

You have seen me in my darkest hours

You've been here through thick and thin

So believe me when I say you have made me better

Although I can't really show it

You have been an angel in disguise

A savior in need, without even knowing it

So I want you to see me for who I really am

Not the broken part but the real me

Trust issues!!

I have so much to say

But I can't find the words

Why is it so difficult

To express the simplest of words

I am afraid, lost in my own fear

I'm not okay I'm broken and alone

And I still can't find the simplest word

Is it shame or fear that stops me

Or years of neglect, abuse and abandonment

It's hard to trust anyone anymore

The fear of being hurt, betrayed and abandoned

Trust issues are slowly killing me!!

I know it's not real

I don't know if I've ever felt true love

Or if it's just an illusion created by my own mind

I can't see the difference between kindness and real feelings

So I fool myself just to feel it

I am Lost in my own vulnerability

I can see or think clearly

My brain is playing tricks on me

I know it's not real but I need to feel it

Everything falls apart

It's that time of year

When everything gets darker

Devastating emotions, uncontrolled thoughts

Loneliness shows its ugly face again

Bad thoughts, bad feelings

Sad and lonely, and heartbroken

Devastating thoughts and bad desires

It's just that time of year

When everything falls apart!!

One trama into another

Forced into silence

One trama after another

I became an easy target

So hurt and broken

Thrown into a life of violence

No escape and no way out

I couldn't scream I couldn't cry

Emotional shutdown kept me alive

I Showed no fear no tears, no pain

But on the inside I was completely broken

Dead inside empty and cold

No life nowhere to go

Forced to silence, raised with violence

It was always one trama into another

Always remember that

Someone is out there

I know someone is watching

That someone, somewhere

Sitting Behind a screen is reading this

I have to admit

That it feels quite strange

And I'm praying you're okay

that everything is fine

And I wish you the best

We are all beautiful and special in our own way

Always remember that from a friend to a friend

They closed their eyes and walked away

I had no choice

No one to talk to

I stumbled into a bottle

It took my life, my will

10 years just disappeared

I became my own worst enemy

A drunk hazy a physical wreck

Anything to ease my pain

No brakes, no judgement, no input pulse control

A suicidal freak!! I lost control

And there was no one there to save me

They closed their eyes and walked away

It hurts!!

It hurts to think

I don't want to feel

I don't want to scratch that surface

I don't want to open that door

I don't want to be here, I don't want to be there

It hurts it aches it never ends

It's always there like a creep in my head

The wounds are still fresh

My soul is broken, My heart is bleeding

I can't stop the tears from falling

It hurts!!

They always come back

They always come back

Like ghosts from the past

Memories of a time that no longer exists

A fading story, a fairy tale, a dream

Of someone I used to know

A friend a lover they are all the same

Nothing remained the same

On that disastrous night, when everything fell apart

I crashed I burned something inside me died

I lost my trust my faith, all hope was gone

I always knew that one of us would die young.

You were my life you were my light

The best part of me died that fateful night

I faded away, and disappeared

Depression and anxiety took my life

Tick tick tick!!

Bad habits, bad addictions

Tick, tick, tick I need a fix

No reaction, no action

No end to this frustration

Bad thoughts, bad feelings

Tick, tick, tick I need kick

Head against the wall, shaking like a freak show

Emotional chaos my head is overheated

Bad habits. bad thoughts and bad feelings

I need to feed my addiction

Tick tick tick!!

I'll be okey

 

Questions that were never asked

So don't ask if I can stand myself.

Don't ask if I'm fine or okay

I will never be quite whole again

I find a way like I always do

I've walked this path a million times

So don't worry I'll be fine, and one day I'll be okay

A part of me

Am I fooling myself

It's not right, so wrong

So innocent and genuine

I am unsure, scared and confused

Is my brain playing tricks on me

Is it real or a fantasy

Is it me or you or is it you

I might be right, I might be wrong

But you have become a part of me

The real me!!

See through the cracks

Read between the lines

Open your eyes and see the real me

I'm not a monster, not a freak

I am a human a person like you

I have a heart and it's broken

I may be hurt but I'm healing

I may be fighting for my survival

But my heart is pure and my soul is clean

See through the cracks, see the real me

Ghosts from the past

I tried to escape my past

Always on the run from myself

I have survived too many deadly encounters

A life I cannot avoid or escape!

There is no here and now! Just me myself and i

I'm still running from my demons!

Always on the run from myself!

A past no future! there is nothing else!!

But I refuse to let my past become my future!!

You are so beautiful

You are there through thick and thin

You provide security and warmth.

You give me unconditional love you catch me when I fall.

You are so wonderful, so understanding!

You listen, you see, you wipe my tears

You comfort and support 

You never fail you see me, you understand me.

FUCK THIS SHIT!

Lies, betrayal empty words and broken promises.

Fuck it, this isn't a love poem, it's a hate speech

It overflows

The hardest thing of all

Is to let someone in

To lower the guard, to open my safe place

To unlock everything I locked up inside

All the repressed feelings, the fear the resignation

It scares me the vulnerability the sadness

I'm afraid of my own feelings

They have been isolated, locked up for so long

So many years, so many tears

It overflows, it drains me, suffocation no breathing!!

An emotional rollercoaster with no brakes

It's not easy

Right here right now

You are all that I have

I have to admit it is quite scary

I know it's crazy a little silly

But that's how I feel and it's not easy

Wish you were here!!

I wish you were here

Right next to me

Not too close, not too far

I wouldn't lie I can't deny it

There is something about you

It makes me wonder if it's real

Or just White lies and glowing eyes

But I still wish you were here!!

Spit me out

 

I tried!!

To be something I am not

To change my path, my whole identity

Just to please others to be the perfect one

But I was never good enough

They were never satisfied

They used me, abused me

Saw right through me, chewed me up and spit me out

They sucked me dry and threw me out

It's all the same to me!

It's just me!!

This is how it has always been

I can see no difference between pleasure and pain

Love and hate and everything in between.

So how am I supposed to feel

I don't even know the difference between anxiety, stress

It's all the same to me!

This is Who I've Always Been!

I don't even know if I'm awake or dreaming!

Is this my reality, my life or just a bad dream?

Am I depressed Am I suicidal?

This is me this is my life my reality

This is how it's always been,

I was born with depression and I will die with depression

It's a lifelong struggle but I'm still here fighting!

My childhood took it all

I don't live here and now

I'm stuck in the past

No solution, no way out!!

No life no future

All hope is gone there is nothing left

My childhood took it all

It destroyed me, crushed me

It took all my joy, my innocence

My opportunity to love or be loved

And most of all my will to live

Inside your head

A dark cold prison cell

Isolated and paranoid

It's all inside your head

There is nothing forward

No way back No easy solution,

There is only here and now

And you are exactly where you don't want to be

It's a dark cold prison cell inside your head

Breakdown

I can't catch up with my own thoughts

I'm in an emotional mess

I'm a mental wreck

I am paralyzed, unable to control it

I can't hide or out run it

There is no stop and nothing to relieve it

It's just another emotional breakdown

It only takes one fucking second to lose it all

Who are you?

Who are you?

You who constantly haunt my dreams.

The dark shadow lurking in the dark.

Is it your breaths, your whispers I hear.

Are you the monster in my head?

I am

I'm a disaster

A minefield a ticking bomb.

A danger to myself.

Afraid of my own thoughts

Afraid of losing control.

I'm afraid I won't be able to resist it

I hit myself hurt myself

Anything to ease the pain

So deeply emotionally damaged.

I am a disaster a minefield a ticking time bomb.

Guide me through this!!

Take my hand!!

Guide me through these nightmares

My heart is bleeding and my head is spinning

I keep on fighting!!

But it is far from over

Tears are falling and it feels like drowning

I can hardly breathe and it feels like dying

I need your help and your shoulder

So take my hand and guide me through this

One word !!

One word !!

So cold so hurtful so devastating

There is nothing more degrading

Nothing is more offensive and destructive

The mental degradation and psychological abuse

Bruises disappear, wounds heal!! But words are forever !!

Lord come save me now

I know there is no god!!

But Lord come save me now

Take my pain, clean my wounds

Heal me save me from myself

Take my anxiety all the hate, the anger and the fear

Take it all away from me

So lord come save me now

The demons are real

Trapped in a spiral a black hole

A vicious circle,

So scary. So real.

There is no beginning no end!

a furious merry-go-round.

it wants to stop, there is no end

A constant reminder of living in hell

The demons are real and they are all here

Once again

Familiar faces!

A room full of people

I feel lonely and alienated

I don't fit in, I don't belong

I am not one of the crowd

I'm the one no one sees

The broken and damaged one

The feeling of discomfort, uncertainty and fear

Is taking hold of me (PANIC!)

So Once again I escape reality

It's all a part of me

My eyes have not seen the bright side of life

My childhood was hell

I was born to fail

Love, hate!

Sex and violence

It's all the same to me

Pain, agony, torture and fear

Is all too real and it's all a part of me

Over and over again

Bad things seem to follow me

It's always one thing into another

I can't escape them, or outrun them

They are always there

No safe place nowhere to run,

I can't hide from the things inside

My brain is my worst enemy

A labyrinth full of triggers, nightmares

A dark place to get lost in

I am forced to re-experience everything over and over again

All the violence, the mental and physical abuse

The sexual assaults disguised as innocent games

They keep raping me !! Over and over again

The feeling of being abandoned!

I lost control

I became too vulnerable!

I played with fire and burned myself

I wasted precious time and sacrificed myself

I gave everything I had to give!

I should never have let you in

You gave me nothing but pain and agony

It's always the same, over and over again!

I will never trust anyone again.

It hurts too much, I become too vulnerable!!

I'm so scared of being hurt and abandoned again