Bang bang in my head!
It never ends It never stops!
When it's over, the next one strikes!
Even harder than the last one
I never manage to land on my feet
It strikes without warning
From all directions at once.
It never ends I'm stuck in a panic attack
I see no solution no way out!
Lost and confused Trapped in a mania
stuck in my brain going insane!
My head is wrecked I think I'm going crazy
Bang bang in my head i'm losing my mind once again!
It's been a day!
Do not remember why
It became a part of me
It kind of took over
Became a way to handle
A daily battle against me
My overthinking mind!
It has been forever!
Do not know how to break
Or change the addiction
On this roller coaster ride
I'm stuck in patterns
A path to self-destruction
I know i have to change!
Break my habits restart
Just a little thing something!
Whatever it takes to get started
So easy to say and so hard to do
One step at a time a cliché
How to even get ahead
if you always insist on repeating
I take one step forward and two steps back.
It's tough to get through life like that
But somewhere you have to start
One day at a time!
If I never breathe another breath
never see another day this would be a blessing
If I could close my eyes forever! Forgive and forget.
Instead of being forced to relive life over and over again
And everything I have survived over the years
I know you were mine before you died
And you kept me alive, cleansed my wounds
I've been to hell and back so many times.
All the suffering of the world became mine
I have the devil's mark forever and I drank of the demon holy wine !!
You will always be the devil on my shoulder
And I know that there is no god in heaven!
No angels no savior welcome to hell!
So afraid to let go
will I have the strength?
To be able to give the last I have left
the only broken piece that keeps me alive
Or will it take my life?
So afraid to face! my biggest fear.
My worst nightmare. My darkest secret
The madness lurking inside my twisted mind
If I lose control, I lose my life, my will to fight
In the end, it's just me and my suicidal dreams!
No control no life sad but true!
Let the game begin!
I'm ready for the pain
Ready for the panic.
I'm going to dive deep
Down in my subconscious.
Meet the demons!
Kick life in my friend anxiety!
Kick start my brain drive me insane
Devour my soul! slaughter my thoughts
Awake my worst nightmares
I'm ready to face the ghost of my past
And fighting for my life
I might lose the war
But the battle is not lost.
I will survive!
The time has come to let you go
You were here to make me strong
You showed me the right way to live
And changed me for the better
You were always there! by my side
even in my darkest moments
A savior in need! Without you, I would have been dead
You understood and accepted me
You knew me better than anyone else
Now I have to let you go forever
leave all memories of you behind
Time to clean my wounds! drown the sorrow
And start living again! Without the ghost of you
Always and forever!
I do not know if I should!
Smash everything bang my head against the wall
Everything I touch falls to pieces The nightmare has come true.
There is no solution, no way out I can not save him
On the inside, I fall apart I'm trying to look him in the eye
Without tears without fear. Explain to him that everything will be fine
You can do this! I know you'll make it. For a second I meet his eyes
I hear his screams! I hear the words no one ever wants to hear.
From their own child! (I kill myself) It breaks my heart tears my soul to pieces.
Those words will haunt me foreverAnd there is absolutely nothing I can do about it
I have to live with the fear of never knowing!
I can not explain!
All experiences all emotions
Anxiety all fear the constant panic
Everything I went through
There are no pictures No words
That can describe or explain
The emotional chaos
There is no rest no peace
Nowhere to escape or hide
Caught in a vicious circle
No safety net. No help!
A journey full of violence
Physical and mental abuse.
A journey no one would understand or survive!
But I live I breathe! This is my life, my reality.
One Two Three As always Back on square one again!
So tired of everything!
The constant anxiety
Everything that just spins
thoughts emotions.
Physically and mentally drained.
So empty and exhausted
I see no light only darkness
Death on the inside! All hope is gone!
Days became years
A one-way road to nowhere
I'm sick, so sick of this life
So sick and tired of being me!
I never got a chance
To say everything I wanted to say
I just want an opportunity
To tell you how much I miss you
Give me a second and a minute
To catch my breath, close my eyes and pray
There was never an easy way out
You chose the easy way out
Something inside me broke and died
You left me behind drowning in sorrow
A dying soul, heart broken and all alone
The scars you left behind suffocate me
The wounds have never healed
So if I only got one last word!
I would tell you how much I loved you!
I told myself right from the start!
That alone is strong
I created a character to survive
I played with the fire I played a game!
I adapted and blended in
Sacrificed my soul for others
I became a copy a clown!
The wild child that everyone saw!
But behind the mask the charades
I was alone and terrified
Screaming for help but no one saw me!
They just saw the freak I had become
I had become everything i didn't want to be!
I tried to save myself, get through everything
But i was alone and weaker than ever!
I fell I crashed! lonely and invisible
lost and alone in a world where no one saw or heard
I screamed for help But no one came to my rescue
I broke down. lost will. Alcohol and addiction became my life
I was exploited, beaten battered! Stuck in a life I could not bear to live
Death on the inside I lived without living I was just a child!
My life was ruined before I even had time to start living
Have you ever? Woke up screaming
With tears in his throat a rampant anxiety
With the feeling of not being alone
That something is hiding in the dark
There's someone there.
That the shadows move they breathe.
They whisper your name.
A death anxiety so strong that you just want to die.
Have you ever? Woke up with the feeling
That everything is happening again
Or is it just me!
Are you the one
the ghost lurking in the dark.
The shadow that constantly moves around me
The one who always stands leaning over me.
Is it your breaths your whispers
Are you the one who's always under my bed?
The one who violates and exploits me in my dreams.
Are you the one who suffocates me when I sleep
The one trying to take my life
WHO ARE YOU?
I'm lying here in your bed!
Where there is no space or time
I'm just waiting to see you back home
Just hearing your voice would give me chills
I would sacrifice my own life just to see you
Just look into my eyes and you will see.
That Life will never be the same
I know it has to go on with or without you!
But Deep inside my heart I know that everything is over
What once was is no more! I can try to be happy!
Just knowing you love me! And will always be a part of life !!
I can't stop the rain from fallin' i'm drowning in my own tears!
without you I'm going insane I can't stop missing you!
Razor blade in the throat!
I cough spit blood. I've lost control again!
I'm freezing! an icy pain cuts through my body.
A feeling of hopelessness a rising anxiety something is wrong!
A chock wave of electric impulses strike straight through the heart!
It beats faster and faster! It hits the breaking point?
I can not breathe! Shortness of breath my head is imploding
Is it a stroke a heart attack? Am I dying here and now.
Or is it just another fucking panic attack!
They keep asking the same thing!
How should I know or feel any difference
This is how it has always been, it's just me
I do not even know if I am awake or dreaming!
Is this my reality, my life or just a bad dream?
I do not know the difference! So how can I answer that question ..
When I do not even know the difference between pleasure and pain
Love and hate and everything in between. This is me! who I am
The one I've always been! So how the hell am I supposed to be able to answer!
Am I depressed Am I suicidal This is my life my reality
This is how it has always been, this is me. So pleas don't even ask that question
I do not even know the difference between misery and happiness
It's all the same to me! I was born with depression and I will die with depression
It's a lifelong struggle but I'm still alive and struggling!
Will try not to let it upset me!
I will try not to ponder everything over and over again.
leave all impressions, reflections all memories behind me.
But still, I spend all my time thinking about you.
wondering how you feel if everything is okay.
If you are alive or dead? I Can’t stop thinking
It does not matter how much I try to fight against
They still break through, sneak in and take over!
I really shouldn't fight against my own feelings and thoughts.
I'm well aware that I should not feed my own addiction!
But I can not help it! it's a part of me.
I know all these things I really do!
But Can not help that I'm addicted to you
Without you by my side, I Can’t break my bad habits.
You are my addiction!
A body that screams for more.
With bleeding eyes, hands shaking
A desire so strong so frightening.
I can't control what grows below the surface.
So dark so lonely and empty. I need more!
Here I sit staring, shaking an empty bottle so tired!
I should have learned by now!
I have a riot in my head, I'd rather be dead!
I need to sleep, lay my head on the pillow and go numb
But my worst enemy keeps me awake. he never stops He just goes on and on
Completely freaked out. discharged and knocked out!
At the speed of light, I run out of oxygen so exhausted.
It flashes before my eyes I can barely stand or walk
But he just keeps nagging at me! As a creature from hell, he never gives up!
No rest for the wicked I guess I can sleep when I'm dead!
My mind is dangerous place to get lost in!
If you feel better about lying and denying!
To pretend nothing happened. Then Stay the fuck away from me!
You keep pushing it down my throat. Every fucking time you open your mouth
That it can not be! Have never happened you lie it can not be true
Open your fucking eyes and see reality! see what this life has done to me
Understand that I was raped, exploited, physically and mentally abused:
It's not me who lives denial! it's you! So emotionally cold apathetic and heartless!
So blinded by your own truth! You well aware of everything!
You're a fucking coward! you would not even dare to admit the truth
One two Three! I know you know the secret!
It's a little sad!
That an event changes everything! So incomprehensible!
One small thing so heartbreaking and devastating
Memories so scary That even hell freezes over
Sometimes you just want to tear your eyes out and scream!
I'm not going to beg! just let me close my eyes and pray!
And when I sleep let me die in peace, Save my soul and set me free!
It's the little things that kills
I need to drown my mind emptying everything
I need a bottle, a friend whatever it takes
To stop the madness before I lose my mind!
I need the relief I need the comfort I need to get wasted
I need to suppress everything I need the demon!
So give me a pacifier! inhibit my addiction!
Give me an overdose of adrenaline. Kick start my heart!
Give me anything to stop this madness!
You are not here!
I'm still waiting here without understanding what or why!
I understand how much I need you. I hate to say miss you!
But I miss you every second every minute of the day.
It will never be the same without you here.
Maybe it's just my way of dealing with the pain
But I can not let go of the past, WHY did it all happen?
I died inside the day they came knocking on the door,
I should have done more! But I could not do anything
I still blame myself for everything and it crushes me!
It's been months since I last saw your face. or heard your voice
I'm trying to tell myself that I don't not miss you
But I miss you so much it hurts! I wish you were here
I love you always and forever !
Do whatever you want! use me
Kick me hit me humiliate and diminish me,
Do everything you can! cut me. crush me
Break my heart stomp on my soul. whatever!
You can still never hurt me So take your best shot!
Why can't I stop thinking about the past?
I have to find a way to break free
Escape from my mental prison the inner labyrinth.
The minefield, which blocks me, prevents me from living.
Locks me in. isolates me. I don't want to be stuck in the past.
I can't bear to live with the suffering and constant fear!
I have to Get rid of nightmares all the flashbacks.
Because of the anxiety, I do not dare to open and let go of everything
So terrified to lose control. Afraid to take the last little step
But my past can not be my future so I have no choice
I have to take that step if I want to live
I'd rather be anywhere than here!
I do whatever! Anytime, anywhere to get away from here
I would rather be dead and buried than live here
In this so-called home sweet suicide!
I rather burn down the whole house erases and destroys everything
Than to spend another day inside these 4 walls alone!
A day Without you feels like a lifetime For without you I am nothing!
When the only thing left is to be or not to be!
When all the bridges are burned, the social network is like a dried up ocean!
Where friends are like fallen leaves! blowing in the wind
Like pale and long-forgotten memories, everything was swept away!
There is no longer a solution no way out after destroying everything.
The way back is far too long! a completely impossible journey to get through
Just like trying to reach the surface from the bottom of the deepest part of the ocean
No oxygen no air just darkness a frighteningly quiet nothing more!
Not even worth trying! There is nothing more left just to be or not to be!
Bang bang! It never ends!
When the shit's over I'll fall straight down again It never stops!
Straight back into the chaos again! It strikes, hard and fast from all directions at once.
No time to think or react. I see no solution, no way out
I'm stuck in a vicious circle that just goes on and on!
A meaningless life without meaning without hope and without a future.
Trapped in a life without living. I can 't handle it anymore, I can' t stand it.
Caught up in a spinning panic attack! (suffocation no breathing)
Around and around it goes and where it stops nobody knows!
Yes, I'm okay!
Yes I feel good everything works as it should
No no anxiety today! Nothing has happened
Don't worry I'm fine, I'm surviving.
No, I do not need anything today or tomorrow.
I need absolutely nothing at all! No help!
Stop nagging, just leave me alone I'm over it
Read between the lines! open your eyes and see
Nothing is as it seems! I'm not okay I'm not well
Alone as usual! I'm going to get through this shit!
So please come back another day and we can do it all over again.
Once again, I cheat death. No happy ending today! I win you lose!
A fear of letting go continues to drag me down.
I do not know why I continue to hurt and injure myself
I have been afraid of tomorrow too many times.
At some point I have to learn to crawl again! Before I learn to walk!
I need to break free from the weight of the world. purify my thoughts, heart and soul.
I need to forgive and forget! Before I can start living again!
A part of me will never be able to do that!! So I guess I'll never be free again!
Scratching and tearing, that's how it starts!
Cleansing and the Scrubbing come afterwards.
The dirt, the discomfort never disappears.
The stench, the disgusting feeling of shame is so deeply rooted.
The injuries, the wounds, all the scars that never heal!
There and then! Starts self-harming behavior, suicidal tendencies!
No one knows the dark secret. No one knows the truth
One Two Three this is our little secret. Our dark safe place!
I will take advantage of you rape your soul forever.
You will see me feel me in everything and everyone,
I'm going to be in your closet under your bed and in your head!
One Two Three! We play this mind game over and over again.
Stop Child Abuse Today!
Mismatched unwanted and problematic. That's me!
Difficult to handle! Well known a problem no one wants. Me again!
Thrown between the chairs out insured, unemployed and flat broke!
Just part of the journey! Through healthcare, all doctors, psychologists etc.
Too many too much! you simply give up, you lose faith and trust in society!
The whole fucking system is sick! Or Is it just me ?
This is a rat race called life!
Feels like I'm trapped in a cage
Where others play a game at my expense
They laugh, pointing their fingers!
Behind my back they mock and humiliate me!!
They do not understand the damage they inflict.
It hurts! when others judge assume.
They see what they want to see!
A false picture of the truth!
A skewed and twisted image of their own reality.
Not mine! I may be different but I'm not a rat in a cage!
I'm a human being just like you
Never judge a book by its cover!
Asperger is not a diseas. Dont try to cure it. Try to understand it!
Just such a day! You do not want to wake up!
The stench of anxiety is already spinning.
It lies there under the surface sneaking and waiting to strike.
The heart beats twice. Shortness of breath the body shakes, the eyes sting,
A aching head. A growing panic! I don't want to face today!
I guess I'm sleeping my day away!
Just another day when you do not want to wake up!
Jag vill inte andas, Känna så här! I do not want to breathe, Feel like this!
Jag vill att mitt hjärta ska sluta slå, förvandlas till sten. I want my heart to stop beating, turning to stone
Jag vill inte känna känslor jag vill bara bli tom och kall. I do not want to feel emotions I just want to be empty and cold.
Jag vill inte tänka! jag vill inte ha några minnen inget förflutet! I do not want to think! I do not want any memories no past!
Jag vill bara bli fri från smärtan, lidandet mitt liv! I just want to be free from the pain, the suffering my life!
Inga mer tårar inga mer ångest! Bara bli fri från allt! No more tears no more anxiety! Just be free from everything!
Dom säger!
Att man förbereder! bygg upp en bild
Söker den enklaste vägen ut. Det snabbaste sättet att gå
Dom säger man kan styra känslorna tankarna.
Dom säger att det bara sitter fast på insidan i dit huvudet. Att det tar tid, det läker
Dom säger att ingen bara gör det utan förvarning! NO ONE!
Vad fan vet dom om hur det känns!
Vad vet dom om dom inre såren, känslorna.
Det är inte bara i huvudet det är över allt och det är verkligt
lidandet, smärtan finns alltid där! Ångesten, paniken går inte bort.
Det finns inga enkel väg! Ingen vacker bild bara en väg ut
Och när det händer händer det! Finns Ingen tid att tänka eller reagera.
Det finns bara den snabbaste vägen ut!
This is not a game! I can not, I must!
I have to start I have to stop. I have to open I have to close.
I have to stay I have to leave. I need someone I need no one!
I need everything I need nothing! I have loved I have hated.
Now I have said everything but still nothing opened everything and closed everything.
I've done it all over and over again. I have to but can not I do not know how!
Never taught me. No tools no knowledge no patience.
Constantly restless rushing through life, So many demands! Completely meaningless insignificant.
So demanding, so devouring, they take everything and give nothing back.
Just a hell of a lot of demanding responsibilities! I just can 't do that.
I'm over it! No more issues!
I'm thinking of you!
The magic I felt when we were still together.
Something that seemed too good to be true
I can't sleep or think about the feeling in my heart.
When I close my eyes I still see pictures of you and me.
I do not know why I feel this way!
I try to find the words to say explain how I feel
But words are not enough! To show how I feel inside
There are no words to describe the feeling!
An overwhelming feeling of pure love. I miss you!
To my heart my soul my love my son! I Love You!
I'd rather talk to myself!
Than talking to a wall that never listens.
I rather sit alone! Than to live with the anxiety of you
So sick tired of being sick and tired. I'm so sick of you!
I'd rather kill myself! Than to be someone like you!
One second in the present the next in the past
Nothing protects me from my own thoughts and feelings.
It turns around! It knocks me down. it takes over.
An emotional chaos! Paralyzed unable to control!
No safety net! Incapable, apathetic and paralyzed!
Nothing works nothing helps. Trapped on the inside. Where emotions take over.
There is no stop nothing that relieves. Nothing that helps.
There is no spell or magic pill that can save me.
For better or worse? Till det bättre eller sämre?
You changed everything from day one. Du ändrade allt från första dagen.
Your first breath gave me the will to live again Ditt Första andetaget gav mig viljan att leva igen
A reason to be able to take me further. See a future, En anledning att orka ta mig vidare. Se en framtid.
You became my security my wall against the world. Du blev min trygghet min mur mot välden.
Through you I could live, love, feel joy. Genom dig kunde jag leva, älska, känna glädje.
You became my life! My Savior You became my everything. Du blev mitt liv! Min frälsare Du blev mitt allt
For better or worse! You changed me forever. För bättre eller sämre! Du ändrade mig för alltid.
I will always love you! LOKE! Jag kommer alltid att Älska dig!
I became the scared little child again.
There on the inside of a dark labyrinth I got lost
I disappeared in a spiral of anxiety and panic.
Without any opportunity to find a way out
I was stuck in the darkness of a maze inside myself
So insecure and scared! I'm still the little boy!
Like a surge, it sweeps me into the depths
It drags me further and further down into my subconscious
I get stuck in a stream that tears my senses apart.
I am drawn down into the darkness the shadows close the light fades away
I try to breathe to take a deep breath. But the screams take over
I lose my grip panic strikes. I just sink faster and faster
I am lost in the depths of a darkness that consumes me!
I'm dying from the inside out!
Words without meaning or rhyme!
Broken sentences from an overactive brain.
Words that mean nothing but everything!
1 thought 1 idea rather 1000 at once.
The feeling of having a million buzzing bees in your head.
There is no possibility to turn it off . It never ends!
Welcome inside my head!
Why a step?
One step forward so pointless Two steps back lead nowhere.
Empty words broken promises lies and betrayal. 1 truth 1 reality.
All that is lost is gone forever! There is no step forward or backward.
Nothing can be repaired or deleted! There is no first step.
Wounds do not heal, memories do not fade
There is no small step that can save me from myself
No step or path that can wash away. All the scars You left behind!
Jag tror jag är beroende av smärta!
Jag minns inte sist jag kände värme eller glädje.
Tystade och kvävda skratt. Instängda tårar isolerade skrik!
Själv plågande tankar hemsökande minnen. Föder mitt självskadebetende.
Jag är beroende av mitt eget lidande. Jag är min egen värsta fiende!
Varje sekund varje dag!
Konstant beredskap, oro och den jävla stressen!
Känslan av att något är fel. Något håller på att hända.
Smaken av panik doften av ångest ligger i luften
Rädslan svävar runt som en dimma redo att sluka allt i sin väg
Tick, tick, det eviga tickandet! Som aldrig avtar.
En smärtsamma och oundvikliga väntan på samtalet!
Är det här dagen när allt är över. Är det här slutet?
Ständig beredskap skräckslagen förvirrad. Det skakar i varje muskel varje nerv En ständig kombination av rädsla och ångest. Ingen sömn inge...
