I'm not afraid of the dark
Nightmares don't scare me
I don't even give a damn about the night terrors
It's the daydreams that terrify me
The constant reminder of the reality
Anxiety, fear always ready for the next one
I can't control my own emotions
When they strike, they strike hard
And I'm right back to where it all began
To relive all the nightmares all over again
It's always one, two, three
Three choices, three options
Survive live or die
I got sick of constantly running away from everything
The endless struggle made no sense to me
So I just froze and gave up on everything
You might be right!
But deep in my heart I know you're not
What you see is just another side of me
You call it creativity and see it as a good thing
But for me it's a different matter
It's the manic part that's inside me
And there is nothing good or positive about it
So you might be right but I know you're wrong
Therapy was never good for me
Pills and meds never worked for me
Self medication took the best out of me
I became my own worst enemy
A hollow shell of a broken man
Nothing really worked for me
So I just gave up on everything
Left it all behind and vanished Into the void of my own mind
I became a ghost and there is really nothing left of me!
Yes I know I really do!
There is nothing new you can do to me
You can't change what's inside me
Meaningless promises, little white lies, they're all the same to me
So what you do to me is nothing new to me
Doubts are clouded in my head
Second thoughts, disturbing feelings
What am I who am I?
Do you even care about me?
I really don't know how I'm supposed to feel
So who are you, what are you are you really my friend?
I doubt it! but that's just me
Guess I'll never know you're just an enigma to me
God is a gun the devil is a bullet!
There is no good without evil
No angels without demons
You don't get to choose your own life
You're just a chamber in a loaded gun
So pull the fucking trigger and pray that life will go your way
I've never had a choice!
You made it extremely clear
The last time you went through that door
You tore me right back to my childhood
You have opened the gate to my inner hell
Now I'm suffering from the consequences
And finally I realize that I am still a slave to your wicked ways
A journey full of violence Physical and mental abuse
A journey that no one would understand or survive!
I can't explain the emotional chaos
The anxiety, or the constant fear
Everything I went through there are no pictures No words
I can't even begin to describe what's going on in my mind
This is my story this is my life My mind is broken and so am I
15 another slap in the face
Tossed around from home to home
A tent bed in my sister's place sexually exploited and molested once again
!,2,3 Here we go again, this became the new normal for me
I thought this was how it was supposed to be
Basic instincts were taken away from me
PlEaSuRe AnD pAiN, sEx AnD vIoLeNcE It AlL bEcAmE tHe SaMe To Me
Dirty deeds were done to me
I am filthy dirty and disgusting
I never get clean of those dirty little things!
16 I thought I was finally free
I guess God had a different plan for me
A brutal assault nearly beaten to death
I came out the other side more broken and damaged
Just another fucking day in my life
Why is it so hard to listen?
Can't you see you make me ill
So blind so stupid so twisted
Your ignorance shines right through you
You are Like poison in my veins The disease in my brain
Can't you see there's nothing left of me
I want no part of this!!
I don't need you or your legacy
You can make peace with your brother
Either take it all for yourself or just burn it all
For I do not want to live with ghosts
And I really don't give a fuck about it
It's just an inheritance no one really deserves
You're just like him and he's just like her
So the legacy is all yours just leave me in peace!
Five a cross the eye!
Daily Confrontations, accusations, shaming
Humiliation, psychological abuse!
Just another day to get through
You are disgusting, dirty worthless
Not good for anything!
You are just like him, exactly like him
Words so devastating so painful
I'm not like you I'm not like him!!
I will never be anything like you
I'm not the villain in this story, I'm the victim
I don't remember
I don't know how it feels anymore.
There is no joy, no longing
So empty so cold an emotionless void
I'm still that little kid scared and alone
Haunted by memories and wounds that never heal
The light faded away and darkness stepped in
A life ended and the nightmares began
A constant battle against anxiety and fear
For every insulting, degrading and mocking word
For Every slap, every sexual assault, Another part of me died
I have died so many times that I have forgotten how to live
They took piece by piece and broke me into a million pieces
And what is lost will never be found
I lost more than my life I lost my will my trust
I lost everything inside that broken home
And now all hope is gone
At the age of nine
tied up and blindfolded
On a cold bathroom floor
it all happens again
The stench, the whispers, the humiliation
I am naked paralyzed and frozen
Nailed to the floor, the weight suffocates me
I can't breathe, I can't scream
She's all over me she's doing it again
She fucks me again daddy's little monster is breathing down my neck
Rape,, rape there is no escape
Every day is a new fucking day
No yesterday, no tomorrow, just here and now.
Yes I am depressed I have anxiety. and I'm not okay
I am completely empty I am tired and exhausted
I'm not lost I'm broken.
There is no beginning no end just an endless loop
Same shit all over again just another fucking day
So many bad things!
I didn't even make it to seven
Victim of unforgivable crimes traumatized and broken
Robbed, sexually exploited physically and mentally abused
I am still suffering the consequences of someone else's sins
The wounds are wide open and my mind is broken
Out in the cold six years old
Blood in the snow, half-naked knife in my hand
A bloody mass, an abused and beaten mother right next to me
I hear his heavy breathing I am terrified I fear for my life
The screaming, the words still haunt me
I saw death in his eyes blood on his hands
On a chilly and cold December nite, I almost lost my life
Something deep inside me broke on that fateful night
A part of me literally died there and then!
Just another sleepless night
Another day in a hopeless life
No dreams, only daily nightmares
The drama in my head is keeping me awake
The nightmares are real and they're all in my head
Born with bad blood
A blood disease brought me to my knees
A million needles a million screams
Paralyzed and hospitalized in constant pain agony
A million razor blades cut through my skin my blood boils
I can't move I can't breathe I can't even scream
This is how the story begins my first memory
Naked and screaming on a hospital floor paralyzed with pain
I was only an infant but I still remember the sharp pain
Of a million needles they pierced through my skin
A dark and scary place.
Where it all begins and where it all ends!
A smoke filled room the smell of alcohol
An environment so unfamiliar and unreal
My body loses its grip reality blurs.
I hear voices I see silhouettes shadows
So scary so real it's happening again
Behind closed doors hidden in the dark
The dark secrets of a broken home
A legacy no one wants! Daddy's little girl broke this home
Don't touch me!
Don't get too close stay the hell away from me
I feel disgusting, dirty and filthy!
The stench, the smells of bodily fluids never go away!
I cut deeper I scrub I wash I bleed
I'm not getting clean! I'm disgusting I'm dirty
I'm a disgrace a black sheep a walking disease
I'm not even comfortable in my own skin
So please don't touch me!
It's wide open
It's back inside me
the abyss is opening up
I am falling deeper into the rabbit hole
The wolves are getting closer
I can hear their breath! I smell death
I can see their blood red eyes
I'm paralyzed I can't run I'm out of breath
I can't scream I can't even move
I'm bleeding out I'm dying
I fall deeper and deeper into depression
And the wounds are wide open
I still hear their words
All of their lies, all of their empty promises
Fake dreams, fake hopes, fake friends
They never cared about anyone but themselves
They stole my trust left me bleeding
I could have died on that fateful night
Alone in the dark with a bottle as my only friend
It took me ten years to get out of that hell
I did it all by myself, I left the bottle and everything else
I don't know if it was worth it because I'm still here
I never processed anything
I just swallowed it all and shut down
I stepped straight into the dark safety of a closet
I buried it all so deep inside me
I continued to hold onto things that I couldn't process
I struggled with my own feelings and emotions
So confused so lost inside my own mind
So afraid to show fears, emotions anything at all
No one to talk to, nowhere to escape, no safe place
No one there to save me from this hell! this so-called home
I lost everything in a closet I hid everything so deep
And now I can't find a way out any more
Screaming with fear!
Have you ever woken up?
So terrified paralyzed with fear
While someone is taking advantage of you
Using you like a broken doll
Up up and down in and out
Rapes my mind raps my soul
Stole my innocence my purity
I'm dirty I'm disgusting I'm worthless
The scent refuses to go away I can't scrub it off
It's still there crawling in my head
The shame, the hate, the anger So why do I still blame myself
I deserve so much more than this
But so many parts of me are broken so damaged
I can't be fixed, I'll never be whole again
I can't let anyone get close to me! I can't let anyone in
The wounds are wide open
I'm beaten and broken
So tired I can barely stand
I am physically drained, mentally exhausted
I can't trust my own feelings
I'm in really bad shape
It's hard to keep my head above the surface
I'm so tired so sick of everything
I just want to close my eyes and fade away
And Sleep this fucking life away
A hopeless case!
I've heard it a million times
I've walked through those doors so many times
A new disease another fucking pill
Same crappy old story swallow and obey
Fake a smile and just walk away
Those fucking pills never worked anyway
They tore me apart in so many different ways
I guess I'm just a hopeless case
Trapped in a life that leads nowhere.
No air no breathing. no hope no future
No way forward I have seen my future
And there is nothing there but emptiness and darkness
There is no light anywhere, it is too late to go back
The past is dead and the future is gone
There is no hope for the hopeless
I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Scream or bang my head against the wall and break everything.
Everything I touch everything I do falls apart.
Sitting here alone with a bitter after taste of life
I feel the hate the anger The nightmare has come true.
There is no way to get out, nowhere to escape.
I can't make it all go away. I just want to hide and disappear
Gotta swallow it all once again its time to close it all over again.
Neither outside nor inside
I'm not safe
I can't trust my own instincts
I keep telling myself I'm not afraid
But I'm scared to death
There is always something there
A sound, a smell, a shadow, whispering voices
It's all so real in my head
I know that reality hurts and I'm afraid of myself
Afraid of losing control, afraid of letting go
So I lock myself up and suffer in silence
I repeat this goddamn pattern over and over again
I force myself to relive every nightmare, every drama
And I continue to do this to myself just to survive another day
Blood is not thicker than water.
Family a word without meaning
It creates nothing but chaos and suffering.
Why is everyone so selfish?
Empty words empty promises! lies after lies
Instead of helping, they trigger everything
Please don't make this worse! the nightmares are real
You say you can't remember but I can't forget
You make your bed now sleep in it
Family doesn't mean shit to me it's just an empty word without meaning
Just open your eyes l
You keep lying and denying
So selfish, so self-absorbed
You never listen it's all about you
No conscience so cold
I see you I know what you are
I'm not like you I'm not like them
I will never be anything like you
So open your eyes and see the real me
A feeling so unreal.
So incomprehensible and terrifying
It just gets worse and harder
The abyss only gets deeper and darker
The anxiety gets stronger and stronger
Fear and anxiety continue to rise
It's consuming me eating me alive
A feeling so unreal So unmanageable
No one can hurt me!
As I hurt myself self-inflicted pain
Self-medication suffocation pills, alcohol
I've tried them all
I've been high I've been low
I've danced with the devil survived through hell
Lived through the nightmares all over again
I have faced my demons, looked them in the eye
I'm still here and I'm still alive
Half dead and half alive, is this truly a life worth living
To constantly suffer from the consequences of others
I am a victim of so many things and they keep chasing me
I'm not a survivor, I can barely breathe, I'm constantly suffocating
Forced to live through the abuse over and over again
My mind is broken my will to live is ruined
It never gets better! And nothing really works
Empty tears bloodshot eyes
I can't get them out I can't hold them in
I have lost the ability to ventilate
I closed down, turned off all human feelings
It was the only way I knew how to get through the night
I painted a picture of a perfect world where no one could hurt me
But the only person I was hurting was myself
I sacrificed my feelings to survive I buried them so deep inside
So Afraid to let go of opening it up
Terrified, paralysed, afraid that it will be the end of me
I can't let go I'm scared, alone so cold and empty
It's just me, a sad excuse of a human being
Who is that staring at me Blood red eyes a soulless smile so familiar!! So twisted and tormented I see the fear, the scars, the smell of dec...
