They're all in my head

 

Just another sleepless night

Another day in a hopeless life

No dreams, only daily nightmares

The drama in my head is keeping me awake

The nightmares are real and they're all in my head

This is how!

Born with bad blood

A blood disease brought me to my knees

A million needles a million screams

Paralyzed and hospitalized in constant pain agony

A million razor blades cut through my skin my blood boils

I can't move I can't breathe I can't even scream

This is how the story begins my first memory

Naked and screaming on a hospital floor paralyzed with pain

I was only an infant but I still remember the sharp pain

Of a million needles they pierced through my skin

A legacy no one wants!

A dark and scary place.

Where it all begins and where it all ends!

A smoke filled room the smell of alcohol

An environment so unfamiliar and unreal

My body loses its grip reality blurs.

I hear voices I see silhouettes shadows

So scary so real it's happening again

Behind closed doors hidden in the dark

The dark secrets of a broken home

A legacy no one wants! Daddy's little girl broke this home

I'm dirty

Don't touch me!

Don't get too close stay the hell away from me

I feel disgusting, dirty and filthy!

The stench, the smells of bodily fluids never go away!

I cut deeper I scrub I wash I bleed

 I'm not getting clean! I'm disgusting I'm dirty

I'm a disgrace a black sheep a walking disease

I'm not even comfortable in my own skin

So please don't touch me!

The wounds are wide open

It's wide open

It's back inside me

the abyss is opening up

I am falling deeper into the rabbit hole

The wolves are getting closer

I can hear their breath! I smell death

I can see their blood red eyes

I'm paralyzed I can't run I'm out of breath

I can't scream I can't even move

I'm bleeding out I'm dying

I fall deeper and deeper into depression

And the wounds are wide open

I'm still here!

I still hear their words

All of their lies, all of their empty promises

Fake dreams, fake hopes, fake friends

They never cared about anyone but themselves

They stole my trust left me bleeding

I could have died on that fateful night

Alone in the dark with a bottle as my only friend

It took me ten years to get out of that hell

I did it all by myself, I left the bottle and everything else

I don't know if it was worth it because I'm still here

I can't find a way out

I never processed anything

I just swallowed it all and shut down

I stepped straight into the dark safety of a closet

I buried it all so deep inside me

I continued to hold onto things that I couldn't process

I struggled with my own feelings and emotions

So confused so lost inside my own mind

So afraid to show fears, emotions anything at all

No one to talk to, nowhere to escape, no safe place

No one there to save me from this hell! this so-called home

I lost everything in a closet I hid everything so deep

And now I can't find a way out any more

I can't let anyone get close to me

Screaming with fear!

Have you ever woken up?

So terrified paralyzed with fear

While someone is taking advantage of you

Using you like a broken doll

Up up and down in and out

Rapes my mind raps my soul

Stole my innocence my purity

I'm dirty I'm disgusting I'm worthless

The scent refuses to go away I can't scrub it off

It's still there crawling in my head

The shame, the hate, the anger So why do I still blame myself

I deserve so much more than this

But so many parts of me are broken so damaged

I can't be fixed, I'll never be whole again

I can't let anyone get close to me! I can't let anyone in

Close my eyes and fade away

The wounds are wide open

I'm beaten and broken

So tired I can barely stand

I am physically drained, mentally exhausted

I can't trust my own feelings

I'm in really bad shape

It's hard to keep my head above the surface

I'm so tired so sick of everything

I just want to close my eyes and fade away

And Sleep this fucking life away

I guess I'm

A hopeless case!

I've heard it a million times

I've walked through those doors so many times

A new disease another fucking pill

Same crappy old story swallow and obey

Fake a smile and just walk away

Those fucking pills never worked anyway

They tore me apart in so many different ways

I guess I'm just a hopeless case

There is no hope for the hopeless

Trapped in a life that leads nowhere.

No air no breathing. no hope no future

No way forward I have seen my future

And there is nothing there but emptiness and darkness

There is no light anywhere, it is too late to go back

The past is dead and the future is gone

There is no hope for the hopeless

Its time to close it all over again.

I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

Scream or bang my head against the wall and break everything.

Everything I touch everything I do falls apart.

Sitting here alone with a bitter after taste of life

I feel the hate the anger The nightmare has come true.

There is no way to get out, nowhere to escape.

I can't make it all go away. I just want to hide and disappear

Gotta swallow it all once again its time to close it all over again.

I continue to do this to myself

Neither outside nor inside

I'm not safe

I can't trust my own instincts

I keep telling myself I'm not afraid

But I'm scared to death

There is always something there

A sound, a smell, a shadow, whispering voices

It's all so real in my head

I know that reality hurts and I'm afraid of myself

Afraid of losing control, afraid of letting go

So I lock myself up and suffer in silence

I repeat this goddamn pattern over and over again

I force myself to relive every nightmare, every drama

And I continue to do this to myself just to survive another day

An empty word without meaning

Blood is not thicker than water.

Family a word without meaning

It creates nothing but chaos and suffering.

Why is everyone so selfish?

Empty words empty promises! lies after lies

Instead of helping, they trigger everything

Please don't make this worse! the nightmares are real

You say you can't remember but I can't forget

You make your bed now sleep in it

Family doesn't mean shit to me it's just an empty word without meaning

The real me

Just open your eyes l

You keep lying and denying

So selfish, so self-absorbed

You never listen it's all about you

No conscience so cold

I see you I know what you are

I'm not like you I'm not like them

I will never be anything like you

So open your eyes and see the real me

A feeling so unreal

A feeling so unreal.

So incomprehensible and terrifying

It just gets worse and harder

The abyss only gets deeper and darker

The anxiety gets stronger and stronger

Fear and anxiety continue to rise

It's consuming me eating me alive

A feeling so unreal  So unmanageable

My mind is broken

No one can hurt me!

As I hurt myself self-inflicted pain

Self-medication suffocation pills, alcohol

I've tried them all

I've been high I've been low

I've danced with the devil survived through hell

Lived through the nightmares all over again

I have faced my demons, looked them in the eye

I'm still here and I'm still alive

Half dead and half alive, is this truly a life worth living

To constantly suffer from the consequences of others

I am a victim of so many things and they keep chasing me

I'm not a survivor, I can barely breathe, I'm constantly suffocating

Forced to live through the abuse over and over again

My mind is broken my will to live is ruined

It never gets better! And nothing really works

A sad excuse

Empty tears bloodshot eyes

I can't get them out I can't hold them in

I have lost the ability to ventilate

I closed down, turned off all human feelings

It was the only way I knew how to get through the night

I painted a picture of a perfect world where no one could hurt me

But the only person I was hurting was myself

I sacrificed my feelings to survive I buried them so deep inside

So Afraid to let go of opening it up

Terrified, paralysed, afraid that it will be the end of me

I can't let go I'm scared, alone so cold and empty

It's just me, a sad excuse of a human being