My own prison!

So scared i am still trapped in a closet.  I still hear the screams I hear the abuse.

Why am I afraid to let someone get too close. Fear of closeness and tenderness. Scared to open up scared to ventilate and release everything that suffocates me. Tears me to pieces from the inside. Shuts down all emotions, all thoughts. I shut down everything and everyone. So scared so lost. I wandered around in the shadows. Constantly on the run from myself. What am I looking for, what am I missing. Why do I feel so empty and alone. What is it that constantly prevents me from taking the small step. Just a step so scary. I'm staring at the door. I WANT OUT! Escape from my cell that isolates me. locks me inside. I want outI I want to live but so afraid of being hurt. This fear. Which locks me in and prevents me from living. I'm still locked in a closet

Tied up and gagged!

9 years old tied up and gagged i can't see i can't breathe. In a toilet in my own home. Sexually abused raped! Not the first time, not the last time. This is where the endless journey through life begins. No one to talk to no one who understands. I want to disappear get away from everything and everyone. A childhood of  mentally exploit, rape and violence. I remember how as a child I lay under a bush with a knife in my hand. My mother bloody and abused i hear the screams. hear the words I will kill you! The monster is real. I remember going into the kitchen.There he is lying bloody on the floor. Foam and blood pulsate from his mouth. I see the blood flowing from his ears. Images that never disappear. Dot cry over me! I fight every day to survive this never ending nightmare.