One step forward two steps back!

One step forward two steps back no sense to look back. Time to clean out the closet. Let go of the darkness that is so deeply rooted in my torn soul. Let in the light no more tears no more screams. It will be a hard fight a long winding road out. Always thought I was strong. I'm not strong! I'm a survivor I'm not even that! I have been dead and lost for so many years. Addicted to people idiots who just make me suffer. The ones who created the scared little boy who never grew up. Stuck in a pattern and dependent on my own demons. Trapped in a life without living! Scared of being let down and abandoned again. Afraid of being hated for who I am. So scared of myself. Never again! Everything end here where it all began. One step forward two steps back

My own prison!

So scared i am still trapped in a closet.  I still hear the screams I hear the abuse.

Why am I afraid to let someone get too close. Fear of closeness and tenderness. Scared to open up scared to ventilate and release everything that suffocates me. Tears me to pieces from the inside. Shuts down all emotions, all thoughts. I shut down everything and everyone. So scared so lost. I wandered around in the shadows. Constantly on the run from myself. What am I looking for, what am I missing. Why do I feel so empty and alone. What is it that constantly prevents me from taking the small step. Just a step so scary. I'm staring at the door. I WANT OUT! Escape from my cell that isolates me. locks me inside. I want outI I want to live but so afraid of being hurt. This fear. Which locks me in and prevents me from living. I'm still locked in a closet