A reminder of the reality

I'm not afraid of the dark

Nightmares don't scare me

I don't even give a damn about the night terrors

It's the daydreams that terrify me

The constant reminder of the reality

Anxiety, fear always ready for the next one

I can't control my own emotions

When they strike, they strike hard

And I'm right back to where it all began

To relive all the nightmares all over again

Survive live or die

It's always one, two, three

Three choices, three options

Survive live or die

I got sick of constantly running away from everything

The endless struggle made no sense to me

So I just froze and gave up on everything

I know you're wrong!

You might be right!

But deep in my heart I know you're not

What you see is just another side of me

You call it creativity and see it as a good thing

But for me it's a different matter

It's the manic part that's inside me

And there is nothing good or positive about it

 So you might be right but I know you're wrong

The void !

Therapy was never good for me

Pills and meds never worked for me

Self medication took the best out of me

I became my own worst enemy

A hollow shell of a broken man

Nothing really worked for me

So I just gave up on everything

Left it all behind and vanished Into the void of my own mind

I became a ghost and there is really nothing left of me!

Nothing new to me

Yes I know I really do!

There is nothing new you can do to me

You can't change what's inside me

Meaningless promises, little white lies, they're all the same to me

So what you do to me is nothing new to me

Enigma ?

Doubts are clouded in my head

Second thoughts, disturbing feelings

What am I who am I?

Do you even care about me?

I really don't know how I'm supposed to feel

So who are you, what are you are you really my friend?

I doubt it! but that's just me

Guess I'll never know you're just an enigma to me

PrAy!

God is a gun the devil is a bullet!

There is no good without evil

No angels without demons

You don't get to choose your own life

You're just a chamber in a loaded gun

So pull the fucking trigger and pray that life will go your way

I am still a slave to your wicked ways

 

I've never had a choice!

You made it extremely clear

The last time you went through that door

You tore me right back to my childhood

You have opened the gate to my inner hell

Now I'm suffering from the consequences

And finally I realize that I am still a slave to your wicked ways

My mind is broken and so am I

A journey full of violence Physical and mental abuse

A journey that no one would understand or survive!

I can't explain the emotional chaos

The anxiety, or the constant fear

Everything I went through there are no pictures No words

I can't even begin to describe what's going on in my mind

This is my story this is my life My mind is broken and so am I

Dirty little things!

15 another slap in the face

Tossed around from home to home

A tent bed in my sister's place sexually exploited and molested once again

!,2,3 Here we go again, this became the new normal for me

I thought this was how it was supposed to be

Basic instincts were taken away from me

PlEaSuRe AnD pAiN, sEx AnD vIoLeNcE It AlL bEcAmE tHe SaMe To Me

Dirty deeds were done to me

I am filthy dirty and disgusting

I never get clean of those dirty little things!

I came out the other side

16 I thought I was finally free

I guess God had a different plan for me

A brutal assault nearly beaten to death

I came out the other side more broken and damaged

Just another fucking day in my life

So blind and twisted!

 

Why is it so hard to listen?

Can't you see you make me ill

So blind so stupid so twisted

Your ignorance shines right through you

You are Like poison in my veins The disease in my brain

Can't you see there's nothing left of me

Just leave me in peace!

I want no part of this!!

I don't need you or your legacy

You can make peace with your brother

Either take it all for yourself or just burn it all

For I do not want to live with ghosts

And I really don't give a fuck about it

It's just an inheritance no one really deserves

You're just like him and he's just like her

So the legacy is all yours just leave me in peace!

I'm the victim!

Five a cross the eye!

Daily Confrontations, accusations, shaming

Humiliation, psychological abuse!

Just another day to get through

You are disgusting, dirty worthless

Not good for anything!

You are just like him, exactly like him

Words so devastating so painful

I'm not like you I'm not like him!!

I will never be anything like you

I'm not the villain in this story, I'm the victim

A life ended

I don't remember

I don't know how it feels anymore.

There is no joy, no longing

So empty so cold an emotionless void

I'm still that little kid scared and alone

Haunted by memories and wounds that never heal

The light faded away and darkness stepped in

A life ended and the nightmares began

A constant battle against anxiety and fear

All hope is gone!

For every insulting, degrading and mocking word

For Every slap, every sexual assault, Another part of me died

I have died so many times that I have forgotten how to live

They took piece by piece and broke me into a million pieces

And what is lost will never be found

I lost more than my life I lost my will my trust

I lost everything inside that broken home

And now all hope is gone

There is no escape!!

At the age of nine

tied up and blindfolded

On a cold bathroom floor

it all happens again

The stench, the whispers, the humiliation

I am naked paralyzed and frozen

Nailed to the floor, the weight suffocates me

I can't breathe, I can't scream

She's all over me she's doing it again

She fucks me again daddy's little monster is breathing down my neck

Rape,, rape there is no escape

Just another day!!

Every day is a new fucking day

No yesterday, no tomorrow, just here and now.

Yes I am depressed I have anxiety. and I'm not okay

I am completely empty I am tired and exhausted

I'm not lost I'm broken.

There is no beginning no end just an endless loop

Same shit all over again just another fucking day

The wounds are wide open

So many bad things!

I didn't even make it to seven

Victim of unforgivable crimes traumatized and broken

Robbed, sexually exploited physically and mentally abused

I am still suffering the consequences of someone else's sins

The wounds are wide open and my mind is broken

On a chilly and cold December nite

 

Out in the cold six years old

Blood in the snow, half-naked knife in my hand

A bloody mass, an abused and beaten mother right next to me

I hear his heavy breathing I am terrified I fear for my life

The screaming, the words still haunt me

I saw death in his eyes blood on his hands

On a chilly and cold December nite, I almost lost my life

Something deep inside me broke on that fateful night

A part of me literally died there and then!

They're all in my head

 

Just another sleepless night

Another day in a hopeless life

No dreams, only daily nightmares

The drama in my head is keeping me awake

The nightmares are real and they're all in my head

This is how!

Born with bad blood

A blood disease brought me to my knees

A million needles a million screams

Paralyzed and hospitalized in constant pain agony

A million razor blades cut through my skin my blood boils

I can't move I can't breathe I can't even scream

This is how the story begins my first memory

Naked and screaming on a hospital floor paralyzed with pain

I was only an infant but I still remember the sharp pain

Of a million needles they pierced through my skin

A legacy no one wants!

A dark and scary place.

Where it all begins and where it all ends!

A smoke filled room the smell of alcohol

An environment so unfamiliar and unreal

My body loses its grip reality blurs.

I hear voices I see silhouettes shadows

So scary so real it's happening again

Behind closed doors hidden in the dark

The dark secrets of a broken home

A legacy no one wants! Daddy's little girl broke this home

I'm dirty

Don't touch me!

Don't get too close stay the hell away from me

I feel disgusting, dirty and filthy!

The stench, the smells of bodily fluids never go away!

I cut deeper I scrub I wash I bleed

 I'm not getting clean! I'm disgusting I'm dirty

I'm a disgrace a black sheep a walking disease

I'm not even comfortable in my own skin

So please don't touch me!

The wounds are wide open

It's wide open

It's back inside me

the abyss is opening up

I am falling deeper into the rabbit hole

The wolves are getting closer

I can hear their breath! I smell death

I can see their blood red eyes

I'm paralyzed I can't run I'm out of breath

I can't scream I can't even move

I'm bleeding out I'm dying

I fall deeper and deeper into depression

And the wounds are wide open

I'm still here!

I still hear their words

All of their lies, all of their empty promises

Fake dreams, fake hopes, fake friends

They never cared about anyone but themselves

They stole my trust left me bleeding

I could have died on that fateful night

Alone in the dark with a bottle as my only friend

It took me ten years to get out of that hell

I did it all by myself, I left the bottle and everything else

I don't know if it was worth it because I'm still here

I can't find a way out

I never processed anything

I just swallowed it all and shut down

I stepped straight into the dark safety of a closet

I buried it all so deep inside me

I continued to hold onto things that I couldn't process

I struggled with my own feelings and emotions

So confused so lost inside my own mind

So afraid to show fears, emotions anything at all

No one to talk to, nowhere to escape, no safe place

No one there to save me from this hell! this so-called home

I lost everything in a closet I hid everything so deep

And now I can't find a way out any more

I can't let anyone get close to me

Screaming with fear!

Have you ever woken up?

So terrified paralyzed with fear

While someone is taking advantage of you

Using you like a broken doll

Up up and down in and out

Rapes my mind raps my soul

Stole my innocence my purity

I'm dirty I'm disgusting I'm worthless

The scent refuses to go away I can't scrub it off

It's still there crawling in my head

The shame, the hate, the anger So why do I still blame myself

I deserve so much more than this

But so many parts of me are broken so damaged

I can't be fixed, I'll never be whole again

I can't let anyone get close to me! I can't let anyone in

Close my eyes and fade away

The wounds are wide open

I'm beaten and broken

So tired I can barely stand

I am physically drained, mentally exhausted

I can't trust my own feelings

I'm in really bad shape

It's hard to keep my head above the surface

I'm so tired so sick of everything

I just want to close my eyes and fade away

And Sleep this fucking life away

I guess I'm

A hopeless case!

I've heard it a million times

I've walked through those doors so many times

A new disease another fucking pill

Same crappy old story swallow and obey

Fake a smile and just walk away

Those fucking pills never worked anyway

They tore me apart in so many different ways

I guess I'm just a hopeless case

There is no hope for the hopeless

Trapped in a life that leads nowhere.

No air no breathing. no hope no future

No way forward I have seen my future

And there is nothing there but emptiness and darkness

There is no light anywhere, it is too late to go back

The past is dead and the future is gone

There is no hope for the hopeless

Its time to close it all over again.

I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

Scream or bang my head against the wall and break everything.

Everything I touch everything I do falls apart.

Sitting here alone with a bitter after taste of life

I feel the hate the anger The nightmare has come true.

There is no way to get out, nowhere to escape.

I can't make it all go away. I just want to hide and disappear

Gotta swallow it all once again its time to close it all over again.

I continue to do this to myself

Neither outside nor inside

I'm not safe

I can't trust my own instincts

I keep telling myself I'm not afraid

But I'm scared to death

There is always something there

A sound, a smell, a shadow, whispering voices

It's all so real in my head

I know that reality hurts and I'm afraid of myself

Afraid of losing control, afraid of letting go

So I lock myself up and suffer in silence

I repeat this goddamn pattern over and over again

I force myself to relive every nightmare, every drama

And I continue to do this to myself just to survive another day

An empty word without meaning

Blood is not thicker than water.

Family a word without meaning

It creates nothing but chaos and suffering.

Why is everyone so selfish?

Empty words empty promises! lies after lies

Instead of helping, they trigger everything

Please don't make this worse! the nightmares are real

You say you can't remember but I can't forget

You make your bed now sleep in it

Family doesn't mean shit to me it's just an empty word without meaning

The real me

Just open your eyes l

You keep lying and denying

So selfish, so self-absorbed

You never listen it's all about you

No conscience so cold

I see you I know what you are

I'm not like you I'm not like them

I will never be anything like you

So open your eyes and see the real me

A feeling so unreal

A feeling so unreal.

So incomprehensible and terrifying

It just gets worse and harder

The abyss only gets deeper and darker

The anxiety gets stronger and stronger

Fear and anxiety continue to rise

It's consuming me eating me alive

A feeling so unreal  So unmanageable

My mind is broken

No one can hurt me!

As I hurt myself self-inflicted pain

Self-medication suffocation pills, alcohol

I've tried them all

I've been high I've been low

I've danced with the devil survived through hell

Lived through the nightmares all over again

I have faced my demons, looked them in the eye

I'm still here and I'm still alive

Half dead and half alive, is this truly a life worth living

To constantly suffer from the consequences of others

I am a victim of so many things and they keep chasing me

I'm not a survivor, I can barely breathe, I'm constantly suffocating

Forced to live through the abuse over and over again

My mind is broken my will to live is ruined

It never gets better! And nothing really works

A sad excuse

Empty tears bloodshot eyes

I can't get them out I can't hold them in

I have lost the ability to ventilate

I closed down, turned off all human feelings

It was the only way I knew how to get through the night

I painted a picture of a perfect world where no one could hurt me

But the only person I was hurting was myself

I sacrificed my feelings to survive I buried them so deep inside

So Afraid to let go of opening it up

Terrified, paralysed, afraid that it will be the end of me

I can't let go I'm scared, alone so cold and empty

It's just me, a sad excuse of a human being

The monster is me

Please help me!

Turn it off delete it eradicate me

Lobotomize me destroy me make it go away

God help me make it stop I have suffered enough

I can't handle much more, I've reached my breaking point

I'm about to break! and I can't stop it anymore

I sink deeper and deeper into dark water

My head is a mess I can't think straight

The monsters inside the monster is me

Scared and alone inside a dark closet

Questions without answers

In my stupid little head I'm fooling myself

I was waiting for someone, anyone, to save me

I thought everyone knew understood

It was so visible so obvious

The violence, the fear, all of the dark secrets

All the dirty, disgusting games, the disease inside those walls

I'm still there trapped in my past

They stole my childhood my life I'm still trapped inside the closet

I'm still the little boy trying to escape myself

But I never got out, I never broke free

I never grew up, I never learned how to live

I died right then and there, scared and alone inside a dark closet

Don't ask!

Don't ask

I'm not okay I'm empty and cold

You can't reach me today, I'm disconnected

I breathe but I don't live

The rope is ready, I'm hanging on by a thread

I keep staring at the ceiling

I try to feel something but I can't

I don't know how so I suffer in silence

So don't ask if I'm alright

My mind is broken and all I have left is a death wish

I can't do this anymore!

Too, too much of it

It's never enough! I'm drowning

I'm choking on my own thoughts

I'm not afraid to die I'm afraid to live

I can't keep up with my own emotions

I'm a wreck a mess I'm fucked up

I don't want to wake up to this madness anymore

I can't even cry I don't know how

I can't smile I've forgotten how

I'm tired, exhausted, I can't do this anymore

I am broken

Who am I?

I try to remember

But it fades it blackens

There is no light left within me

I died a long time ago I'm just a ghost

No dreams no longing everything is gone

I can't see any future, nothing in front of me

So who am I what am I

I am nothing I am emptiness, loneliness I am broken

They always come back

There is no cure

It's too late to find a way out

This is the only way I know how to survive

I've done it my whole life

I locked everything inside I swallowed everything

The dark secrets inside my mind

But they leak they always come back

I can't escape I can't hide

There's nowhere to run I'm trapped in myself

Forced to live through the nightmare again

A broken family tree

This is not a life

It's a death sentence

Bad Seeds and Bad Genes

Born into disease nurtured by violence and madness

They sickened the legacy of a broken family tree

There's no hope for a better life

What goes around, comes around

And we all lose in the end that's just the way life is

I know reality hurts but you could have saved me

Are you better off lying and denying!

You continue to pretend that nothing happened.

Just keeps shoving it down my throat!!. Every damn time you open your mouth

You say it can't be true!! It never happened!! That I'm lying!!

Open your damn eyes and see reality!

Look what this life has done to me

Understand that I was both raped, sexually abused, physically and mentally abused

I'm not the one living in denial! It's you!!

So emotionally cold apathetic and heartless!

So blinded by your own truth! You are well aware of everything!

You are such a fucking coward! you wouldn't even dare admit the truth

Because in your world you were always the victim

So blind and twisted in your sick little mind you closed your eyes and watched me die

One two three! I know you know it's all true!! I can't forgive or forget everything you did to me

I know reality hurts but you could have saved me

But instead you closed your eyes and threw me out

Karama is a bitch and now it's killing you

Stay the fuck away from me!

I can't remember!

I don't know how it feels anymore.

There is no joy, no longing, no hope.

So emotionally empty so cold trapped inside

Haunted by memories so dark so terrifying.

Abused, exploited and used up

Thrown away and abandoned sexually exploited

So dirty so disgusting so useless!

I'm still that little boy I'm still there

I'm trapped I can't escape there's no way out

1,2,3, Will be the death of me!

I can't live with the memories of you

All the dirty little things you did to me are slowly killing me

50 fucking years of shame, pain, hate, anger

A lifetime of depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts

I'm dead inside but I'm still alive

You raped me exploited me you took everything from me

You sweet little sister and your dirty little lies

I hope you choke on your own sins! remember 1,2,3,

Remember the sick disgusting games you played with me

Remember all the sexual abuse Remember the games you made us play,

Please stay the fuck away from me!

I'm not okay!

I'm not right!

I'm not okay

There are so many broken things inside me

traumatized by my own thoughts

paralyzed incapacitated no control i'm losing it

There is no hope for the hopeless!

Fucked up and stressed out!

Stressed Out!

Fucked up and filled with anxiety

I can't breathe desperate feelings

Dark clouds are closing in

My head is spinning I can't breathe

Suffocation no breathing I'm bleeding in I'm bleeding out

My scares are wide open! i'm dying inside

So fucked up and stressed out!

Voices in my head

No human deserves this

I see no solution to this hell

I have no life! so stressed out

Panic in my head and the voices keep telling me

There is no way out!! This life is not worth living

I just wish all of them would go away

Silence would be golden but the noise inside my head is getting louder by the minute

And they all sound the same! a bad song inside my head

Am I going crazy or am I just insane?

I see no solution to this mental hell

But the voices in my head won't go away