Something in me has to stop
I have ants in my pants and a riot in my head
I can't be stil, l and get no rest
My heart is racing and my body is shaking
I keep spinning, I'm overheated and overthinking
Body and mind out of control! eror something is wrong
I try to lie down but my head keeps spinning
My body aches and I'm still shaking
There is no stopping and I can't help it
This is how it's always been!
First memory
Lying on the floor in the fetal position feels like dying
Unbearable torment and pain I am screaming and crying
My body is burning everything is hurting
A million razor blades cutting through my bare skin
The pain is devastating my heart is breaking
A blood disease that dropped me to the floor
I prayed for my life and hoped to die
I was just a baby but I still remember
All the pain, the suffering and the total agony
And Sometimes I can even feel all that inside me
I just want to have a single day without stress
Just a minute an hour, a little peace of mind
I need time to process, adjust
I have to stop and catch my breath
I'm completely drained, there's nothing left
My energy has run its course there is no fuel left in me
I'm so torn apart, all out of breath and I'm a physical wreck
I've tried everything!
I've walked down dark alleys
Danced in the gutter
In pursuit of self-destruction.
I was constantly looking for something
Home sweet suicide!! The demon alcohol
Whatever I could find to ease the pain
Always looking for a fight to be beaten
It was always easier to deal with physical pain
Bruises disappear and wounds heal
But psychological and mental abuse, violence and rape
Leaves a permanent scar that never heals
So don't call me a survivor this is not surviving
I died a long time ago and my life was stolen from me
I don't know how I made it this far but I'm still here
I can't take it all in. I can't focus
I don't understand why I can't see I'm so blind
I'm afraid to admit it but I'm lost
I'm trying to reach out to grab something
I need direction and a guiding light
That leads me through all this darkness
I live a life on the outside.
I don't belong here I don't want to be one of the crowd.
A cold and lost world without empathy and trust
A world without hope, no future
Where no one stops to breathe
Everyone rushes through life looking for something
A pursuit of something so pointless and insignificant
Where novelty is all there is
Everyone sells a false and distorted image of a perfect life.
A cold and hard world so blind so empty and so misleading
Where everyone is looking for the next big thing!
Life is meant to be lived not bought!!
I'm lost in a world where I don't belong
The fear of letting go
I don't know why I keep hurting myself
I'm afraid of tomorrow and what's to come
I continue to drag myself below the surface
Forcing myself to believe in something
I am fighting for survival in a dying battle
This is a war I cannot win
I have to break away from myself
I was never good enough anyway
Every time I think it's over
It hits me harder and harder.
The more I struggle, the more everything falls apart
I'm trying to get over my past
I try to climb all the obstacles tear down the walls.
But I keep falling apart all over
There is no beginning it never ends!!
It is a never-ending story!!
How did I get here?
I'm sitting here all alone with tears in my eyes!
I still wonder why it all happened.
No warning everything went too far and too fast
I lost control I crash and burn
It struck without warning, no time to react!
Never realized where it was all going.
Before it was already too late.
It shattered my life. it only took one word
To destroy everything
So how the hell did I end up here?
When Reality Hits!!
You don't even have time to react.
Sleepless nights!
All those wasted years.
Alone is strong what a joke
I have never been weaker.
I sacrificed everything and everyone to survive!
Left everything and everyone behind
But look at me now and where it led me
I became everything I didn't want to be
I might as well have finished it all.
But refuses to give up refuses to die!
In a sick way, I've already killed myself
Social suicide, and isolation took my life away
It was the only way I knew to save myself
From this hell inside my head!!
A dark cell of uncertainty and fear
No destination, nowhere to go
Overthinking that drains me
I'm trapped in this hell hole
I keep sinking!! While I'm drinking
My head is spinning my heart is racing
Emotional overload I can't stop
My mind is going crazy,
I'm headed for a breakdown
A million thoughts at the speed of light
A curse of an overactive brain
I am so tired so drained no energy no strength
It literally drives me mentally insane
Who am I.
I'm not crazy I'm not an idiot
I have feelings I have thoughts.
I am a living being, human just like you
So don't try to change me! just understand me
You can't save me. You can't cure me
I may be sick but I am not a disease
Try to understand that life made me this way
This is me this is my life my reality
This is what life has done to me!!
You can't save me or change me
Accept me as I am I'm not sick!!
I can't explain everything I went through
There are no pictures No words to describe it
The emotional chaos, the experiences
All the anxiety, the fear, the constant panic
A journey full of violence, physical and psychological abuse
A journey that no one would understand or survive!
It can be described or explained
There was no safety net. No help!
No one there to save me but I live I breathe!
This is my life, my reality, my story
It feels like a lifetime ago
What I learned as a child
Which became a pattern to survive
To crawl into the closet and disappear
Over the years I continued to lock myself away
I isolated myself, left everything and everyone behind
It was the only way I knew to survive, this so-called life
No social interaction
I have been isolated for over a decade
Surrounded by these four walls
I hid my head under a rock and disappeared
I shut out the world and everything in it
I left everything behind, forgot how to live
I drowned in my own sorrow, suffocated by my own fear
I locked the door and threw away the key
I turned off the light and faded away
A decade inside this apartment from hell!!
I don't want to live here anymore
I don't know whether to laugh or cry
Maybe it's funny, maybe it's stupid
But that's just me tripping over my own feet
I persist in repeating the same mistakes over and over again
Same old story no atraction just a reaction
Just to feel something other than sadness
Maybe I'm stupid I guess I am
But that's me and I can't help it
The fear of letting go
Continues to drag me down
I don't know why I keep hurting myself
I have to learn to crawl again
Before I can walk a straight line
Cleanse all my wounds and heal my soul
Break those nasty thoughts inside me
I have to break free from my insecurities
So take my hand guide me through this
I need your strength to survive it
I'm not that strong without you
I just want you to see the real me
There is so much more than this
You have seen me in my darkest hours
You've been here through thick and thin
So believe me when I say you have made me better
Although I can't really show it
You have been an angel in disguise
A savior in need, without even knowing it
So I want you to see me for who I really am
Not the broken part but the real me
I have so much to say
But I can't find the words
Why is it so difficult
To express the simplest of words
I am afraid, lost in my own fear
I'm not okay I'm broken and alone
And I still can't find the simplest word
Is it shame or fear that stops me
Or years of neglect, abuse and abandonment
It's hard to trust anyone anymore
The fear of being hurt, betrayed and abandoned
Trust issues are slowly killing me!!
I don't know if I've ever felt true love
Or if it's just an illusion created by my own mind
I can't see the difference between kindness and real feelings
So I fool myself just to feel it
I am Lost in my own vulnerability
I can see or think clearly
My brain is playing tricks on me
I know it's not real but I need to feel it
It's that time of year
When everything gets darker
Devastating emotions, uncontrolled thoughts
Loneliness shows its ugly face again
Bad thoughts, bad feelings
Sad and lonely, and heartbroken
Devastating thoughts and bad desires
It's just that time of year
When everything falls apart!!
Forced into silence
One trama after another
I became an easy target
So hurt and broken
Thrown into a life of violence
No escape and no way out
I couldn't scream I couldn't cry
Emotional shutdown kept me alive
I Showed no fear no tears, no pain
But on the inside I was completely broken
Dead inside empty and cold
No life nowhere to go
Forced to silence, raised with violence
It was always one trama into another
Someone is out there
I know someone is watching
That someone, somewhere
Sitting Behind a screen is reading this
I have to admit
That it feels quite strange
And I'm praying you're okay
that everything is fine
And I wish you the best
We are all beautiful and special in our own way
Always remember that from a friend to a friend
I had no choice
No one to talk to
I stumbled into a bottle
It took my life, my will
10 years just disappeared
I became my own worst enemy
A drunk hazy a physical wreck
Anything to ease my pain
No brakes, no judgement, no input pulse control
A suicidal freak!! I lost control
And there was no one there to save me
They closed their eyes and walked away
It hurts to think
I don't want to feel
I don't want to scratch that surface
I don't want to open that door
I don't want to be here, I don't want to be there
It hurts it aches it never ends
It's always there like a creep in my head
The wounds are still fresh
My soul is broken, My heart is bleeding
I can't stop the tears from falling
It hurts!!
They always come back
Like ghosts from the past
Memories of a time that no longer exists
A fading story, a fairy tale, a dream
Of someone I used to know
A friend a lover they are all the same
Nothing remained the same
On that disastrous night, when everything fell apart
I crashed I burned something inside me died
I lost my trust my faith, all hope was gone
I always knew that one of us would die young.
You were my life you were my light
The best part of me died that fateful night
I faded away, and disappeared
Depression and anxiety took my life
Bad habits, bad addictions
Tick, tick, tick I need a fix
No reaction, no action
No end to this frustration
Bad thoughts, bad feelings
Tick, tick, tick I need kick
Head against the wall, shaking like a freak show
Emotional chaos my head is overheated
Bad habits. bad thoughts and bad feelings
I need to feed my addiction
Tick tick tick!!
Questions that were never asked
So don't ask if I can stand myself.
Don't ask if I'm fine or okay
I will never be quite whole again
I find a way like I always do
I've walked this path a million times
So don't worry I'll be fine, and one day I'll be okay
Am I fooling myself
It's not right, so wrong
So innocent and genuine
I am unsure, scared and confused
Is my brain playing tricks on me
Is it real or a fantasy
Is it me or you or is it you
I might be right, I might be wrong
But you have become a part of me
See through the cracks
Read between the lines
Open your eyes and see the real me
I'm not a monster, not a freak
I am a human a person like you
I have a heart and it's broken
I may be hurt but I'm healing
I may be fighting for my survival
But my heart is pure and my soul is clean
See through the cracks, see the real me
I tried to escape my past
Always on the run from myself
I have survived too many deadly encounters
A life I cannot avoid or escape!
There is no here and now! Just me myself and i
I'm still running from my demons!
Always on the run from myself!
A past no future! there is nothing else!!
But I refuse to let my past become my future!!
You are there through thick and thin
You provide security and warmth.
You give me unconditional love you catch me when I fall.
You are so wonderful, so understanding!
You listen, you see, you wipe my tears
You comfort and support
You never fail you see me, you understand me.
FUCK THIS SHIT!
Lies, betrayal empty words and broken promises.
Fuck it, this isn't a love poem, it's a hate speech
The hardest thing of all
Is to let someone in
To lower the guard, to open my safe place
To unlock everything I locked up inside
All the repressed feelings, the fear the resignation
It scares me the vulnerability the sadness
I'm afraid of my own feelings
They have been isolated, locked up for so long
So many years, so many tears
It overflows, it drains me, suffocation no breathing!!
An emotional rollercoaster with no brakes
I wish you were here
Right next to me
Not too close, not too far
I wouldn't lie I can't deny it
There is something about you
It makes me wonder if it's real
Or just White lies and glowing eyes
But I still wish you were here!!
I tried!!
To be something I am not
To change my path, my whole identity
Just to please others to be the perfect one
But I was never good enough
They were never satisfied
They used me, abused me
Saw right through me, chewed me up and spit me out
They sucked me dry and threw me out
It's just me!!
This is how it has always been
I can see no difference between pleasure and pain
Love and hate and everything in between.
So how am I supposed to feel
I don't even know the difference between anxiety, stress
It's all the same to me!
This is Who I've Always Been!
I don't even know if I'm awake or dreaming!
Is this my reality, my life or just a bad dream?
Am I depressed Am I suicidal?
This is me this is my life my reality
This is how it's always been,
I was born with depression and I will die with depression
It's a lifelong struggle but I'm still here fighting!
I don't live here and now
I'm stuck in the past
No solution, no way out!!
No life no future
All hope is gone there is nothing left
My childhood took it all
It destroyed me, crushed me
It took all my joy, my innocence
My opportunity to love or be loved
And most of all my will to live
A dark cold prison cell
Isolated and paranoid
It's all inside your head
There is nothing forward
No way back No easy solution,
There is only here and now
And you are exactly where you don't want to be
It's a dark cold prison cell inside your head
I can't catch up with my own thoughts
I'm in an emotional mess
I'm a mental wreck
I am paralyzed, unable to control it
I can't hide or out run it
There is no stop and nothing to relieve it
It's just another emotional breakdown
It only takes one fucking second to lose it all
Who are you?
You who constantly haunt my dreams.
The dark shadow lurking in the dark.
Is it your breaths, your whispers I hear.
Are you the monster in my head?
I'm a disaster
A minefield a ticking bomb.
A danger to myself.
Afraid of my own thoughts
Afraid of losing control.
I'm afraid I won't be able to resist it
I hit myself hurt myself
Anything to ease the pain
So deeply emotionally damaged.
I am a disaster a minefield a ticking time bomb.
Take my hand!!
Guide me through these nightmares
My heart is bleeding and my head is spinning
I keep on fighting!!
But it is far from over
Tears are falling and it feels like drowning
I can hardly breathe and it feels like dying
I need your help and your shoulder
So take my hand and guide me through this
One word !!
So cold so hurtful so devastating
There is nothing more degrading
Nothing is more offensive and destructive
The mental degradation and psychological abuse
Bruises disappear, wounds heal!! But words are forever !!
I know there is no god!!
But Lord come save me now
Take my pain, clean my wounds
Heal me save me from myself
Take my anxiety all the hate, the anger and the fear
Take it all away from me
So lord come save me now
Trapped in a spiral a black hole
A vicious circle,
So scary. So real.
There is no beginning no end!
a furious merry-go-round.
it wants to stop, there is no end
A constant reminder of living in hell
The demons are real and they are all here
Familiar faces!
A room full of people
I feel lonely and alienated
I don't fit in, I don't belong
I am not one of the crowd
I'm the one no one sees
The broken and damaged one
The feeling of discomfort, uncertainty and fear
Is taking hold of me (PANIC!)
So Once again I escape reality
My eyes have not seen the bright side of life
My childhood was hell
I was born to fail
Love, hate!
Sex and violence
It's all the same to me
Pain, agony, torture and fear
Is all too real and it's all a part of me
Bad things seem to follow me
It's always one thing into another
I can't escape them, or outrun them
They are always there
No safe place nowhere to run,
I can't hide from the things inside
My brain is my worst enemy
A labyrinth full of triggers, nightmares
A dark place to get lost in
I am forced to re-experience everything over and over again
All the violence, the mental and physical abuse
The sexual assaults disguised as innocent games
They keep raping me !! Over and over again
I lost control
I became too vulnerable!
I played with fire and burned myself
I wasted precious time and sacrificed myself
I gave everything I had to give!
I should never have let you in
You gave me nothing but pain and agony
It's always the same, over and over again!
I will never trust anyone again.
It hurts too much, I become too vulnerable!!
I'm so scared of being hurt and abandoned again
Who is that staring at me Blood red eyes a soulless smile so familiar!! So twisted and tormented I see the fear, the scars, the smell of dec...
