Do not be afraid!

Don't be afraid!

Don't let the pictures the words that are painted scare you

Do not be intimidated by my words see me understand me!

See my strengths not my weaknesses. See the light in me!

See me understand me hold me hard don't let got

So take my hand lead me home capture my heart and soul

I see the light in you I see you don't let me scare you!

I have to leave everything behind me everything has to come out!

I must open my heart let in the light So do not lose faith for me

Do not be afraid! Take my hand and lead me away.

That's life!

I'm lying on the floor !!

A broken puzzle shattered, crushed.

I see the pieces floating around changing shape.

I see dark silhouettes fragments of my life.

I see everything, experience everything over and over again.

This is no dream no fantasy no illusion!

A life a journey through hell and back.

Constantly chased constantly on the run.

Every instinct Every nerve at full stretch. Constant readiness!

Every sound, every movement triggers the survival instinct

The reptile brain takes over RUN RABBIT RUN!

A complicated puzzle to put back together.

That's life! Here with my only friend

Complex post-traumatic stress disorder

All hope is gone!

White Lies! broken rhymes

All I hear are empty words

Cold misleading and hurtful.

Words that minimize and offend me!

I do not need to hear more about me

I know all too well that I'm not okay !!

I can't take any more of this!!

I refuse to listen to all their lies

I have lost faith all hope is gone

I am stuck in a life of false words and false promises.

A life where words have lost their meaning.

I'm shutting down again!

I really don't want to be!!

I don't want to be here anymore!

There is nothing left here Just emptiness and silence

So many wounds so many sleepless nights.

A losing battle a battle without a winner.

A melting pot of emotions so intense devastating

Days that turned into years! There is nothing left

I have nothing more to give So empty and lost.

There is nothing left here for me nothing at all

I can not stand another day! living like this

I really don't want to be here anymore!

Just let me rest and hope for the best!!

Hide and disappear!!

It's so easy to fall !!

So easy to leave everything

Build walls, close all doors.

It's so easy to just give up.

Disappear into the shadows

Behind walls and locked doors

Where I can hide and disappear

From my life of agony !!

An illusion of a perfect life!

The fear of making the same mistake again!

To repeat the same pattern To follow the same path.

A line a track that never led anywhere.

I'm chasing something, someone. A feeling a dream!

About security and trust. An image so false and distorted.

A nightmare that never ends a closed circle that never breaks.

I am trapped in the illusion of a perfect life!

Welcome to my nightmare!!

Hello and welcome in !!

Welcome to your worst nightmare.

Welcome to madness

welcome to my private little hell.

Welcome to my world my life.

To the inside where everything floats

A journey through time and space

Where nothing ever ends

Where there is no heaven no angels or saviors

Welcome to my nightmare welcome to hell !!

Am I really awake ?

Am I awake or am I sleeping!

Is everything a just a dream

All emotions all thoughts

All the voices screaming inside

The memories the pictures everything

All the pain the anxiety.The tears, the wounds

Is every day and every year, of suffering

Just An eternal nightmare without end.

If it's Please, wake me up before I die

I think this life is killing me!!

 

Take what you want do what you want.

Kick me hit me take advantage of me.

You can still never change or save me.

I see the demons I hear their voices

They devour me. I lose myself again

I lose the conrtorlen. I fall straight back

Back to a place where I do not exist!

An echo of a time I never want to relive again.

I can't handle this anymore! I've had enough

No more, never again this needs to end

I swear that sometimes I think this life is killing me

From out of nowhere!

There is no love in a broken home!

When you live and grow up in an infected home

There is no hope, no future, no salvation.

Just a constant fear that never heals or disappears

A suffering so incomprehensible and unmanageable.

It is not possible to process, let go and move on.

There is no possibility no chance to control it

Nothing that relieves or helps No protection nowhere to flee

It comes without warning it hits hard!

You never know where or when it will strike again

These fucking Flashbacks are hitting from out of nowhere!

Speed ​​demons in my head A.D.H.D.

Welcome to a day in my life welcome in!

I'll try to put words into one day. Describe a normal day, I will try to paint a picture to bring out something no one can understand or can live in. So welcome Step into my brain where millions of things happen at one and the same time. Step into my body, feel the restlessness all the millions of tingling and the constant shaking. The physical and mental exhaustion.. Lack of sleep Where the body screams for rest needs to stop. An inner struggle a battle between mind and body. A war I can not win an inner chaos between restlessness and rest. I get no peace i can't stop i can't sleep. Trapped in a Phoenix Syndrome I constantly burn myself out. A circle that never stops spinning. It oscillates between being a duracell rabbit on amphetamine and a senile 90 year old! The last stage a walking dead welcome to my world a day in my Life Everything rushes past nothing ends a circle without beginning and without end. Day out and day in week after week year after year! So welcome to a day in my life!

Speed ​​demons in my head run rabit run. My life whit A.D.H.D. Don't you wish you were just like me? I know i don't!!

I slowly fade away and disappear!!

I try day in and day out!

I do everything I can try to do it right.

Change all my habits break all the patterns

But nothing works No sleep no routines.

The days just get longer I get no sleep no rest

Everything continues to fall apart around me

I crash and break Nothing works everything goes wrong.

I slowly fade away and disappear.

I sacrificed everything!

When reality hits so hard!

That you do not even have time to react.

When a single word triggers everything

All sleepless nights! All these wasted years.

Alone is strong I have never been weaker.

Her words still echo inside my head

They're spinning around, tearing up my thoughts

Where the hell were you decades ago.

All journeys through the gates of Hell.

I sacrificed everything to survive!

Left everything and everyone behind me.

I could just as easily have finished everything.

But I refuse to give up refuse to die!

I do not want to take my own life

Because of others' misjudgments about me

I am not a diagnosis I am a human

I just do not want to be!!

Sometimes i don't want to be!

I lock the door and hide away

Deep Inside my own prison cell

I spread my own disease

I'm stuck between 4 walls

Caught In My Own Little Hell

It awakens my fear of all the nightmares

It gives birth to my pain and anxiety

The ghosts of my past are chasing me

They're consuming me destroying me

I just do not want to be me anymore !!

I'm a dead man walking!!

The hardest part is accepting

Realize and understand the damage this has done

How it has broken down annihilated who I once was.

To open my eyes and see the empty shell

The reflection of a soulless and empty ghost

What I see is not me. I see an old man

Staring back at me with tears in his eyes

An empty and gray misty thing that reminds me of me

A joyless lifeless a figure So empty and powerless

The fear of the future trying to accept everything

That life after this devastating journey will never be the same

The battery is depleted the fuel is gone. It will never be filled

It will never be completely full again. I have to learn to live

My days after completely new rules of the game

Customize my everyday life every second every minute of the day

A balance between strength and rest. To recover and save energy

Just to get through the day so empty no energy at all

I'm become an empty shell. I just want to know, try to understand.

How do I accept that?

how do I understand that nothing will ever be the same.

the soulless ghost in the mirror is me

I'm a dead man walking

We choose you lose!!

They keep puching me

They keep dragging me  into the ground

force feed me with their lies and false smiles

Empty words and Broken promises

Do this do that follow and obey

On your knees Swallow and pray!

Take your medicine or walk awy

We hope you die and choke today

Or come back another day

We make you smile and laugh  again

Please don't come back another day

Otherwise we will play Russian roulette again

The bullet always wins BANG the end

We choose you lose!!

Feeding my addiction!!

I may not be talking!

But I'm here I'm wasting every second.

Every moment I take every breath

Just listening to your bitching!

Every day of my life I hear the same thing

I hate you fuckin do!

I love the way you always break me

I love the way you keep on hurting me

For every breath I take. I hate you more

I need you so I can wash away my pain.

I love the way you are feeding my addiction

I love how you take advantage of my weaknesses

so somehow pathologically I miss your wicked ways

You are the disease that grows under in from

You so perfect I hate you more ever

I hate the way you try to touch me

I do not miss you !, I mean so little.

I want you to hate me like you always do.

I want you to look into my eyes and see my hatred for you.

What to open your heart and understand!!

That I never learned how to live or love

Not even What it means to be

To me it's just another fucking pointless word!

I want you to know that I hate you, I dont need u,

I will not miss you and I will never forgive or forget

I hated right from the start. that's how I was raised

So remember everything you didn't do for me

Born from pain A lifteime wasted on hatred

Stop playing games!!

It is not OK

To push someone over the edge

Take advantage of other people's weaknesses

Play a psychological mind game with others

Humiliate and break someone down just for fun

It's never okay to expose someone to unnecessary evil

Stupid is as stupid does! Some idiots never learn

Do not take advantage of the broken hearts

Stop playing a game with other people's lives!

The light goes out!

 It's starting to fade!

I can not see the light

It's getting darker by the minute

The cold is starting to take over

I feel it right through the bones

I shiver and shake. my heart freezes

It flashes everything turns black

The light goes out, another dead soul

Another lost life dead end !!

This is not my home!!

What is a home?

A place without joy !!

An empty and cold space!

Where the light never shines

the shadows breathe and live

A sick and infected place.

So anxious and scary.

A place where the walls slowly shrink

They consume and crush!

the smell of decay and fear is all there is!

A dead abandoned place forgotten and destroyed

Where there once was life, now only death remains

This is not my home!!

My life is a mess !!

Life is a mess!!

My head can not rest

My mind is like trash

The rubbish is me

My body is dead

no sleep today or another day

I'm the mess in my own head

The rubbish in my own brain

I'm The Walking Dead Man

And my life is a total mess !!

No air no breathing!!

Here comes hypermanine!

I'm losing control. It takes over

Here comes hypermanine!

I'm losing control. It takes over

I can not be still. A feeling so unreal.

That oscillation between anxiety and madness.

So incomprehensible and scary

the constant fear and the inner anxiety,

Of never knowing where or when it will strike

The periods get longer the anxiety gets stronger.

It hit harder and harder The abyss gets deeper and deeper.

I can no longer control the panic attacks

It hits so hard I can not even breathe!

No air no breathing I'm suffocated from within

I'm losing my grip! I can not stop it

This is my life my reality!

The curse of being me!

Broken again!

I do not live in the present I live in the past

I have walked on dark paths without light

I know what's coming! what's on the way

It's the same thing that always happens

Here comes the pain! the sleepless nights

Where everything happens over and over again.

There is no beginning, no end to nightmares

There is only chaos anxiety and fear

So wherever I go wherever I run!

I will never be able to run away from it all

I will never be free from the curse of being me!

I may be sick but I'm not ill!

You can not cure me!

You can't change who I am.

I'm not a machine or a robot.

I have feelings I have thoughts.

I am a living being a natural disaster.

Don't try to prevent what cannot be controlled.

Do not try to change me! just understand me

You can not save me You can not cure me

I may be sick but I'm not ill! I'm not a disease

The scars are too deep to heal!

I can't forget!

It will never heal or go away!

The wounds are too deep.

They are so deeply imprinted in my soul.

I just just want to forget everything

But the memories continue to haunt me

I'm forced to relive it over and over again

The physical and mental abuse

I'm not going anywhere 

I'm trapped inside my own mind!

I can neither forgive nor forget

The scars are too deep to heal!

A dying whisper!

Is anyone there?

Is this all a blank page

Without words no pictures a quiet place

A soulless void without time and space

An illusion of nothingness

A dying whisper of a long forgotten dream

Of what once was !! and will never be

Two different kinds of evil!

Self-inflicted damage!

Is easier to deal with

I'm trying to fight an inner war

Two battles I can not win

Two different kinds of evil

So I continue to expose myself

For the demon inside my head

Every second every minute of the day

I fight my inner self just to survive

So I continue to hurt myself

To keep him inside!

If he comes out, I'll lose the war!!

Have you ever cried?

Have you ever cried?

Have you confessed your own sins?

All your guilt all the wounds you inflicted

Have you felt the fear and anguish you created

All the anxiety, the nightmares you left behind

Do you even understand the suffering of your actions

And all because of your selfish behavior, you ruined my life

Have you ever cried through your brother's eyes?

To live and die!

What's wrong with me?

In an attempt to understand

I'm talking to myself!

Trying to solve the mystery of life

Why am I here, Why do I live

Is there anything else?

Is there a heaven or just this hell

Who knows if there is any other way

To live and die in a better way

I'm just talking to myself!

Is it just this day?

Just another day in my life

Everything is just like yesterday

So sick and Tired of it all!

what is the point? Does it even matter

If I live or die! why fight every day

When tomorrow will be even worse it yesterday

Same old fucking day every day!

Is there even a tomorrow, Or is it just this day?

If this doesn't end! I will not survive to see another day

Just the same old shit but a difrent fucking day

I just see nothing at all!! 

Flashbacks from hell!!

Flashbacks from hell!!

Makes me insane i'm losing my mind

It tic, tic ticks in my head

Flashbacks from hell!!

Give me a drill we will drill, drill

a big fucking hole we drain the pain

The Living Hell of Emotional FlashbacksI

Is fucking with my brain again!!

30 years straight to hell!

30 years No life no hope!!

No dreams just nightmares.

The darkness the emptiness.

Nothing left so scared and alone.

I died so many times. That I'm afraid to live!

Afraid of myself. afraid of my desires

My hands shake my body shivers

cold steals against my scarred skin.

I close my eyes, I hear my heart beating

it cuts straight through GOD HELP ME!

This is hell this is me this is my life.

30 years straight to hell!

No questions asked!

A madhouse! too many idiots

Just like taking a knife to a gun fight

I Standing on my knees with a knife in my back

Begging them please, please help me!

I see mocking smiles staring eyes they laugh at me

I hear their whisper He's back let's just end this

Bring out your guns! aim fire and shoot!

That's what you get when you need help

A bullet in the head no questions asked

Bang bang you're dead!

All that I Am not!

I do not care anymore!

I want to be emotionally heartless!

A selfish and destructive human being

Live life without remorse paint the whole world black

Destroy everything in my path lie and deceive

Take advantage of my darkest side!

And use it In every way to get what I want

I'm coming for you! You will feel my pain

My hatred will tear your soul to pieces

I will make you feel all my suffering

Force you to feel everything you have done to ne

I want to become all that I Am not! I want to be you!

I just do not give a fuck anymore I'm not you! 

What am I missing?

 

To be invisible!

The feeling of abandonment. 

The creeping discomfort

The feeling of hopelessness

 which constantly haunts me.

A feeling that nothing is right! 

That something is terribly wrong

Something is missing but what?

I need to know To progress 

Become whole again what am I missing?

What is lurking in the dark

Hiding in the shadows

And prevents me from living

I need to know WHAT it is !!

I close my eyes and fade away!

 

In my dreams I hear your voice

whispers seductive and mesmerizing

If I close my eyes I can feel your breathing ..

I know your close you are here !!

I hear your heart beats! I feel your spirit

I Takes a deep breath and bray

That when I open my eyes I see your face

But it's just a dream that never ends

So I close my eyes and fade away

Just to see you again!

So easy!

 

The boy without a face!

The invisible, the child behind blue eyes

The scared little kid hidden in the closet

A perfect victim a child without a voice

So easy to accuse and abuse!

A sick and twisted game of hide and seek

1 2 3 I'm coming for you!

I'm finally free!

 I'm on the edge!

On the way to jump I feel no remorse.

I step up on the railing, close my eyes and fall.

I feel relief an inner peace I float away

I'm leaving now I'm on my way to a better place

I'm finally free! to live without fear.

Am I already dead?

I'm tired!

I can not eat sleep I lose weight,

No energy memory loss

No coordination balance is gone

I walk like a zombie breathing like a dead man

Just trying to take me through the day!

Without an accident or something worse

No feelings no need so empty I'm fucked!

I need sleep I need to stop and breathe

a need for forced feeding to eat and survive

Am I already a living dead?

You should have saved me!

You gave me life then you took it away!

You turned your back on me ignored me

Left me bleeding on the floor

lifeless and terrified, dying for help

Accept the truth! swallow your pride

Open your eyes and see! the lies

I'm still right here in front of you

suffering because of your lies and sins

Now it's too late to forgive and forget!

But I want to be free, so let go of the lies

Once and for all tell me you know you did wrong

You should have saved me from the hell you created!

But now it's too late to say sorry!!

Tomorrow or another day!

I do not want to die!

Or take my own life

I simply see no end to this hell.

I got a war inside my head!

Which slowly kills me from within

it never ends it never stops

An overheated brain that drives me insane!

I do not want to die today, tomorrow or another day

I just want to disappear until I feel good again

No suicide today I fight to live another day!

One of us has to get out alive!!

I need a way out!

I do not have time! give me a minute

Give me an hour a month a year.

Wishful thinking! there is no time

Everything has slipped away from me!

No time left! time has run out

I will not bow and pray.

Play a game I do not want to play

The choice is easy time to sacrifice

Time to clean out delete everything

I will not show any emotion

I just slowly slide away and disappear

I'm sacrificing myself for you

Because one of us has to get out alive

Clear my mind. Refill and drown!

I can not remember!

Confused and shocked

My body is damaged my soul is broken

Blood on my hands blood on my knees

Broken clothes broken bones

What happened? Where have I been?

I do not even remember where I was last night

Time to hit the floor take my medicine

Clear my mind. refill and drown the pain

Time to hit the bottle Here we go again!

Don't be like me!!

It's just me! I'll make you upset

And cause sleepless nights and anxiety

But no matter what "I will always try".

There are mean and hurtful words I will say

They will make you angry and desperate

But no matter what, I will always be here

I will make the completely wrong decision as always!

Which will make you disappointed and hurt

But no matter what, I will try to stay alive

I will worry you, cause unnecessary harm

But no matter what "I will always survive".

There will be times where I will try

It will make you cry and make me cry,

But no matter what, I will not kill myself!

There will be fatal mistakes like when I cut myself

But no matter what, I will always love you!

There are things you can learn from this

Don't be like me!!

Hurt me!

Do whatever you want!

I just don't care anymore

You can't hurt me I'm already gone

I'm on a trip to never never land!

So take your best shot! fire away

use and abuse me whatever!

You can still not touch me

I'm so far away so deep down

That you never reach me

So take advantage of wrack me!

Do what you always do hurt me!