Why it is not possible to filter
Process sort clear my thoughts
Why is everything stuck on the inside of my mind
Why can it not process sort everything out
I need to stop thinking, But my mind refuses
An eternal battle between body and mind
My brain is my worst enemy my anxiety my panic
I'm stuck with something I do not want
A constantly overthinking fucking brain
Take it crush it make it disappear
Thank you for being there
Thank you for listening, supporting and all your help
Thanks for understanding, Fucking this
Thank you for absolutely nothing more than ruining my life
No support no help no understanding
Thanks for giving me a life of constant anxiety
Thank you healthcare for all the diagnoses you have created
Another wasted day!
Unnecessary stress and anxiety
I do not know whether to laugh or cry
Sitting staring at the fucking phone waiting
Tick tick tick time stands still anxiety increases
Every second every minute feels like hours
The heart beats faster the panic creeps closer
Just staring waiting for the call tick tick tick
A call from a doctor who never called
I'm so fucking tired of even trying to get help
I do not know? Just another wasted day !!
The downside of living with an overactive brain !!
Constant stress and anxiety so high and uncontrollable
It consumes all energy, it knocks out all bodily functions
It never shuts down, it increases in speed, it becomes unbearable
It causes anxiety and stress to become unmanageable
So high levels that I can not even explain how devastating it feels
That every second every minute every breath feels like the last
To constantly walk around with an inner chaos that never stops
You just want to crush the skull, tear it out and destroy it
It's like living with a swarm of killer bees inside you
This is destroying from the inside out !!
I am not! I've never been.
I will never be. So do not repeat do not bother
Do not ask idiotic questions over and over again. .
So do not ask if I'm okay, do not ask if I'm fine.
Because I'm stuck in a life. I do not want to live
Trapped in a system that constantly fails
A game without rules where the dice are rolled.
I'm just a replaceable piece. a man without value
But I am not have never been I will never be okay !!
So tired of everything!
Trapped in a spiral of constant anxiety and worry.
So tired of people !! Who refuses to listen or understand
Physically and mentally drained. So empty and exhausted
I see no beginning there is no end.
I'm stuck in a life that leads me nowhere.
Where no one listens or tries to understand
So sick and tired of everyone's ignorance
Why should I adapt to something that only creates more anxiety
More stress that makes me constantly break down
Why should I be forced into environments situations places
Why is it not okay for me to be who I am
I'm so fucking tired of the lack of understanding
Tired of trying to make others understand me
Tired of adapting myself trying to fit into something I do not understand
Why is it not okay to be different?
Do not talk over my head
Do not ignore my feelings, my thoughts
Do not say that I am and have something I do not have
Do not try to explain something I already know and understand
Do not squeeze your shit down my throat
I have no fucking social phobia so do not even try
I have an extreme need of my own time to recover
Reload process all all emotions all thoughts all impressions
I'm autistic no fucking idiot. So do not treat me like one!!
I know what I need I know what is wrong. I need to shut down get rest recovery calm
But you continue to pressure me to create more anxiety more stress
You do not help you aggravate everything without even trying to understand me!
You're ruining my life without even realizing you're wrong!
So do not talk over my head I know who I am and what I am
I do not know anymore!
I have lost faith in everything and everyone
My will, my strength to continue is not there
Everything is gone there is no spark left
I'm burned out my life is ruined everything is over
There is no way back I have nothing left to give
I really do not know if I can take it anymore
I can not even remember when I last had a life
A life without stress anxiety and fear
To live like this is not to live But all hope is gone!
Hello, welcome in!!
What can I help you with.
Please help me! Turn it off, drain it, empty it.
Lobotomy me tear out it make it go away end this hell.
Stop this madness my mind is killing me
God help me make it stop I can't stand it anymore
Please doctor load your gun put it against my head
And pull the fucking trigger!
So many things too many !!
Can't even see or think about all the shit.
The pile grows day by day. it just gets worse
All these fucking meetings. Do this fix that. Control everything.
How difficult can it be what an idiotic question.
If I had the answer, I would fix and control everything.
If I had the strength and energy even the ability to grasp everything i would.
I think no one understands or can even imagine how empty my battery is.
There is no fuel left. So empty and overloaded so broken and worn.
That not even the reserve tank gets filled. But no one sees or understands.
Is no longer just the thought that collapsed. But also the whole system
Nothing works. A body that is starting to crash more and more.
So broken and physically abused. 4 years of chronic exhaustion
How do you even fill an empty tank that never gets a chance to recover?
I'm so empty, drained I'm broken I'll never recover from this hell
A single track a single resort
I see no solution to this hell
This life is not worth living no human deserves this
I have no life the stress of constant anxiety has taken over
I'm trapped in an eternal panic attack that never lets go
My mind is my private little hell where everything is repeated
I do not live here and now I am stuck in the past
Where the nightmares are my reality
I see no solution to this mental hell
I just wish everything would disappear
Why do they refuse to understand
That their image is distorted
Why do they refuse to listen?
To fight every day to be heard
Why is everyone so blind and deaf
They do not understand that they are suffocating me
They do not understand that they are the problem
That they only create more stress and anxiety
Why does everyone think that a pill solves everything?
Their solution only makes me sicker
My mind cannot process everything
It's too much at once it's not possible
The brain takes over can not focus on anything
I can not stand it! the thoughts never stop
A thousand nightmares at once
Everything rushes by, it flashes before my eyes
I can not eat sleep! I get no peace
The body constantly shakes the heart beats at the speed of light
Dear God, make it stop !! my mind is my worst enemy
I should never have played this game!
I played with fire and burned myself on the flames
I became too vulnerable! I lost control.
I should never have let anyone get too close
I just wasted precious time and sacrificed myself
I gave all I had to give! But got nothing back
Same thing over and over again! The feeling of being abandoned!
I will never trust anyone again I'm tired of all the lies
So sick and tired of everything and everyone
It scares me
That I have no control over my own life
That someone who does not even know me
Will judge me without even knowing who I am
I'm just a blank sheet without a face without a voice
I'm no more than an empty form thrown in the trash
It scares me that I am nothing more than an empty leaf
Where someone else has control over my life
The feeling that society is playing Russian roulette with my life
That someone somewhere decides if I live or die
Sometimes I just want to disappear
Leave everything behind me, make everything just end
But I am stuck in a system that is destroying me
This is slowly taking my life away from me
It breaks me devours all I have
There's nothing left of me but an empty shell
I am mentally and physically exhausted
Can no longer even cope with normal everyday chores
Just the thought of getting to the store drains me
My life is falling apart !! The constant stress anxiety
A head that never stops it drains takes all my energy
I'm burning myself out just by being
I just want to shut down and disappear
Fucked by society
Trying to process understand
Why no one understands or listens
Why they talk over one's head
Why do they judge in advance?
I'm just a piece of paper you can throw away
Am I not worth a life, Am I so useless
That you can just turn your back and throw me away
Am I just rubbish in your eyes so useless
That it doesn't matter if I live or die
I stand alone
Without security without protection
Offended thrown out, misunderstood
They say I'm a problem, that I do not want help
And that I'm not their problem
I get no help no support
I am completely alone fighting for my life
And I'm the problem, what's wrong with this society?
I have cheated death!
I have fallen more than 1000 times.
I have walked through the gates of hell
I've seen the abyss.
Wandered on the border between life and death.
So close to ending everything
Too close too many times I have collapsed.
Time and time again I have cheated death!
You caught me when I jumped!
You threw me straight into safety.
Back to everything I wanted to leave behind
Back to the life I tried to break free from
You saved my life that day! But part of me died there and then!
On the fifth floor in the dark. Where I tried to take my own life!
You tore me back into a life I did not want to live.
Why the hell did you save me?
No fuel left so empty!
Just exhausted the thought of walking.
Moving one step so heavy so frustrating
One step just a small step I drag myself forward
No balance no coordinationI No strength
There is nothing left so emptied and drained.
No muscle mass no fitness.
Do not know if I should laugh or cry.
A mental fatigue that no one understands or can understand.
Where no bodily function works properly.
Is like living in a constant fog.
Where each step is a stacking attempt to get from box a to b.
Where each step is one step too many.
Where every day activity is like running three marathons.
When you get dizzy and faint just by trying to cook.
When a 7 minute walk to the store takes an eternity.
Where sounds, smells, and light strike from all directions and edges
they drain, empty me. So empty so exhausted and worn.
There is nothing left of me !!
Make it stop !!
I can't do this anymore.
Nobody understands me they say they do
So fucking tired of every single one of them
Constantly misunderstood You are just a doctor
Do not explain to me what I already know
Do not twist my words, Do not ignore me
Hear me understand me Do not judge me because of others
I hate this fucking shit just make it end
So tired of everything!
Trapped in a spiral of constant anxiety and worry.
So sick tired of everything spinning around
thoughts emotions. so abandoned and broken.
Physically and mentally drained. So empty and exhausted
I see no beginning there is no end.
I'm stuck in a life that leads nowhere.
I was just a kid! who did not understand.
A sick and distorted picture of reality!
Where love and hate were intertwined
Just like tenderness, anger and jealousy.
Where they solved problems with screams, physical and mental abuse
A life journey full of abuse and violence
No safe place! No security nowhere to escape
I never understood! that there was something else.
I learned even before I could crawl
That the world was a dark and scary place.
They say!
That you prepare! build an image
Looking for the easiest way out. The fastest way to go
They say you can control your emotions, your thoughts.
They say it's just stuck to the inside of your head. That it takes time, it heals
They say that no one just does it without warning! NO ONE!
What the hell do they know about how it feels!
What do they know about the inner wounds, the emotions.
It's not just in the head it's all over the place and it's real
the suffering, the pain is always there! The anxiety, the panic does not go away.
There is no easy way! No beautiful picture just a way out
And when it happens, it happens! There is no time to think or react.
There is only the fastest way out!
You can not cure me!
You can not change reprogramming or control
You can not change who I am. I'm no machine, no robot
I have feelings I have thoughts. I am a living being
So try to understand! do not try to medicate what cannot be cured. Let me just live let me be who I am. Do not try to change me!
Try to understand that I am not a disease that can be fixed with a fucking pill
Autism cannot be cured and it is not a disease.
They judged me !!
I hear their words I see their eyes.
So blind so deaf! Trapped in a system that never worked.
It's so easy to see what you want to see.
They're staring at me! They see stress, they see panic and fear.
So blind so stupid. They neither see nor hear
They are not listening! They know my name but not my story.
It grows I feel the panic
I hear all the lies you repeat yourself
The anger on the inside becomes harder to control
I want to crush you hurt you make you suffer
Make you feel the consequences of your actions
Open your fucking eyes! Understand the harm you inflict on others
Understand that your actions have consequences for others
You are a devil without a conscience or compassion
So apathetic emotionally cold can you even feel empathy
Who the hell are you?
Steal from your own child
Take everything without remorse no guilt feelings
So fucking selfish no feelings no empathy
There is only you and your selfish behavior
You do not care about anyone but you
You use your own flesh and blood
You take and take but give nothing back
So who the hell are you?
Do you have a conscience?
Do you even understand the consequences of your behavior
Do you understand that you are hurting others?
Do you understand what anxiety you are creating
By stealing and lying, deceiving to hide the truth
You do nothing but hurt everyone around you
You take advantage of every opportunity to take what is not yours
You do not care who you hurt, you even have some feelings
Or are you just a lying ass bitch
Once a liar always a liar
Nothing you say can change the truth
You turn everything around! excuse after excuse
If you believe your own lies, you are nothing but an idiot
So damn sick that you do not even understand that I see straight through you
I've heard everything before so stop lying
Stop trying to make me believe that you will do the right thing
I know you I know what you are A thief a liar
It takes over I lose control. I'm losing my grip!
I can not stop. I can not be still. A feeling so unreal.
So incomprehensible and frightening to oscillate between anxiety and madness.
To never know where or when it will strike again. A constant fear and an inner anxiety,
I can not control or deal with it only gets worse
The abyss only gets deeper and deeper.
The periods get longer the anxiety gets stronger.
It hits so hard and brutally that I can not breathe.
This is my life, my reality day in and day out
I never know when or where it will strike again
Another day!
Tired of everything there is no point
Nothing that keeps me going
It does not matter if I live or die
So why fight through every day!
When there is still no tomorrow.
No future nothing at all.
Everything is just a bad dream that never ends.
Where everything is just constantly repeated.
I am stuck in life without living
Trapped in a nightmare that never ends
Same day every day! Over and over again.
Just another day in hell
There is no help no protection
Nothing that relieves or hinders
Panic anxiety trapped in a web of lies
The walls shrink as they get closer.
Dark shadows chase me trapped isolated in myself.
There is no way out no end I suffocate I can not breathe.
Stuck in a pattern of self-destruction
It lives inside me it is a part of me
I am the one they created, the one they destroyed
A creation of violence physical, mental abuse
I'm a product of a sick society
So hard to be heard!
No one listens or understands
Constantly depressed reduced
I'm not an idiot I know I understand
I've heard it all a thousand times
So listen understand me do not ignore me
Or judge me by what others say
I am real I feel I am suffering
So listen to what I say, not what others say
give me a chance to feel good again
Or just put an end to my suffering
I can not explain! Everything I saw, everything I heard
All experiences all emotions all anxiety all fear
There are no words no pictures that can describe or explain
A journey filled with violence, abuse, physical and mental abuse.
A journey no one would understand or survive.
But I live I breathe! This is my life, my reality.
They always come back
They keep hurting me, ruining my life
Blinded by hatred, they do not see the truth
The humiliated took advantage of me
Destroyed my will took my joy
Turned my life into a nightmare
I'm the little boy who never grew up
Still afraid of everything and everyone
They always come back, they never disappear
The memories they chase me consume me
I live without living I am already dead
Do not look me in the eye do not talk
Do not even breathe, do not even think the thought.
Your lies and your words do nothing but hurt
So fake so controlling so emotionally cold
You can not see the truth in front of you.
You are nothing means nothing!
You're not even worth my tears.
Morning! sleep becomes less and less.
Trying in every way not to show not to react.
Feels like the Joker a fake smile a fake laugh.
But inside I break my thoughts the pictures I see
All memories every year. I remember everything
I can not forget or forgive everything that has been said and done
I'm a disaster a minefield a ticking bomb.
A danger to myself. Afraid of my own thoughts
The fear of all repressed and trapped memories.
Fear of losing control. Fear I'll not have the strength
To resist the inner struggle to take me through the day.
I hit myself hurting myself to relieve the pain
The anxiety panics the constant flashbacks
Of physical and mental abuse
Wounds so deep so emotionally damaged.
I'm a disaster a minefield a ticking bomb.
When everything collapses!
Where everything is repeated over and over again.
I hear the words I see his blank stare there is nothing left.
No light no joy. Just an empty figure so abandoned
So closed and emotionally cold. A scary and dark reality.
An icy cold an tormented and lost soul abandoned left.
In a place where no light reaches the darkness has taken hold.
So helpless so lost locked up and isolated
A society that does not see, understand or hear his cry for help.
So tired of everything!
Trapped in a spiral of constant anxiety and worry.
So tired of everything that goes around all the spinning
Thoughts feelings so apathetic and broken.
Physically and mentally drained. So empty and exhausted
I see no beginning there is no end.
I'm stuck in a life that leads nowhere.
Like those before you
A copy of your own mother
Just like her, you steal and lie
Deceives and exploits everyone
You are everything no one wants to be
You are the definition of evil
Just like the ones before you
I've heard it all before
So stop trying, you're just lying
I've been through this before
Your fake smiles no longer work
You are a thief a liar a deceiver
So do not even try to lie
I know who you are and what you are
You're a devil on my shoulder !!
I do not know how. Can't let go.
So afraid it's going to take my life
Fear that the emotions, the memories, all wounds all anxiety
Fear that I will not have the strength to fight against My own longing for death.
Every day has become an inner struggle to survive and take me through the day.
A constant war that never stops never ends.
An emotional chaos where flashbacks only get worse and worse.
I see shadows I hear sounds I can not focus or controlI
It consumes me it has taken over taken hold of my life.
I walk on a thin red line ready to burst so be afraid this is the end
Too many memories too many wounds that never heal
It is stuck to deep into my broken soul. Stuck in a life I do not want to live
What you do not see is what you do not understand.
Blinded by your own feelings and experiences.
Your life your experiences. So do not say you understand.
You have not wandered around on the inside you have not been stuck in the dark.
You have not struggled with the fear anxiety.
The constant longing to just disappear leaves everything.
So do not say you understand! How it feels not to want to live.
Do not even try to understand something you will never understand.
Because where you see the light, I only see darkness.
I'm not even close
So far away from feeling good
I see no change no opportunity
I fell too much can not sort
My feelings tear me apart
My mind explodes into an emotional chaos
I'm not even close to a normal life
I want to shut down disconnect my life
I dont want this I just want an end
But I'm not even close to normal!
Feel how I slowly lose my grip!
There are no screams, no tears left.
Here we go! time to medicate drain
There is no stop, no bottom, no end
There are no emergency brakes, nothing that relieves
I'm stuck in an eternal panic attack
I've heard it all before
The same old lie the same betrayal
How can anyone be so heartless
To exploit someone when they are at their weakest
Deceive lying and humiliate repeat everything again
I have heard and seen all there is no forgiveness
Once a liar always a liar
I see no end to this hell.
It doesn't matter how much I fight.
It grows it spreads. It consumes
It just hits back harder and harder.
I just want everything to end.
I want to close my eyes and sleep forever
Who is that staring at me Blood red eyes a soulless smile so familiar!! So twisted and tormented I see the fear, the scars, the smell of dec...
