Ett två tre! Jag vet att du vet!!

Om du mår bättre av att ljuga och förneka!

Att låtsas att inget hände. Håll dig då borta från mig!

Du fortsätter bara att trycka ner det i halsen på mig!!. Varje jävla gång du öppnar munnen

Säger du att det inte kan vara sant!! Det har aldrig hänt!! Att jag ljuger!!

Öppna dina jävla ögon och se verkligheten! se vad det här livet har gjort med mig

Förstå att jag blev både våldtagen sexuellt utnyttjad fysiskt och psykiskt misshandlat 

Så det är inte jag som lever förnekelse! eller någon jävla fantasi värld

Det är du!! Så känslomässigt kall apatisk och hjärtlös!

Så förblindad av din egen sanning! Du är väl medveten om allt!

Du är så jävla feg! du skulle inte ens våga erkänna sanningen

För i din värld är du alltid offret alltid den som lider. 

                                                     

                                                                                       Ett två tre! Jag vet att du vet!! 

I will never be free from demons of my past!!

Broken again !! 

I know where I'm going !! I know what's going on !! 

I have walked on these dark paths without light without future. So many times before 

I do not live in the present !! I'm trapped inside a nightmare from my past 

I live with constant flashbacks !! Where all the nightmares of all the years of physical and mental abuse happen over and over again. 

There is no beginning, no end to this nightmare !! I can not escape or hide. 

I will never be free from demons of my past that are constantly chasing me.

There is nowhere to run or hide! No safe place !!

It's so easy to fall !! 

It's so easy to shut down emotionally 

It's so easy to mask and hide to build walls lock and close all doors.

Hide and control all emotions, all impulses All the anxiety, the panic, the restlessness. 

So easy to just leave everything and give up. 

To Disappear into the shadows and become invisible again.

 Behind all the walls and locked doors !! Where it all starts all over again! 

There is nowhere to run or hide! No safe place !!

Please do not touch me!!

Do not touch me there! 

Do not get too close, stay away from me 

I feel disgusting, dirty and disgusting! 

The stench !! The scents of body fluids and sweat never go away!

I scrub, I wash, I tear, I cut deeper It does not go away!

I will never be clean! I'm disgusting I'm dirty 

I try to get rid of the shame, the anxiety the constant feeling of discomfort 

So please do not touch me!

This is a legacy no one deserves!!

All I got was the only thing I learned !!

Where violence solves everything! That love and hate are one and the same

That sex and violence go hand in hand. 

That emotions and empathy are something that does not exist 

Where security and trust is to be silent, bow and pray

That the only way to survive was to emotionally shut down

To live in hell and never know where or how the monster will strike again

This is what I learned was normal I never understood that there was anything else

Than physical and mental abuse !! This is a legacy no one deserves

I just wish someone had dared to take me away from the living hell I had to grow up in

Living with emotional scars from the past!!

I sleep less and less !!

I try to get through the day without collapsing

I kick and abuse my inner self. To not show or react.

But inside I break !! I see all the abuse hear all the hurtful words over and over again

All memories all emotions the sexual exploitation the physical and mental abuse

The constant fear of never feeling safe or secure

To be raped daily and physically and mentally abused by flashbacks

Which is just as cruel and damaging as the day everything happened

Living with emotional scars from the past wound that never heals

Is the worst nightmare of all !!

The reptile brain takes over RUN RABBIT RUN!

I'm lying on the floor in millions of pieces!

A broken puzzle shattered, crushed.

I see the pieces floating around changing shape.

I see dark silhouettes fragments of my life.

I see everything, experience everything over and over again.

This is no dream no fantasy no illusion!

A life a journey through hell and back.

Constantly chased constantly on the run.

Every instinct every nerve at full stretch. Constant readiness!

Every sound every movement. Triggers the survival instinct

The reptile brain takes over RUN RABBIT RUN!

A lifetime with complex P.T.S.D.

Night terrors!!

Wake me up!

I am paralyzed terrified!! I am afraid to go to sleep!

The sky is falling the ground is opening up!!

A shallow grave a burning coffin

Buried alive trapped under the surface

Drowning in my own tears. Alone in the dark

The air runs out. My last breath is here!

Night terrors have taken over again No more sleep!

Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray thee, Lord, my soul to keep; If I should die before I wake, I pray thee, Lord, my soul to take

This is my life my reality!

I can not stop. I can not be still. A feeling so unreal.

So incomprehensible and frightening to switch between anxiety and stress

To never know where or when it will strike again. A constant fear and an inner anxiety,

Which can no longer be controlled or hindered. It just gets worse and harder every time it hits

The abyss only gets deeper. The periods get longer the anxiety gets stronger.

Here comes the panic and fear of the unknown again

I'm losing control. My brain takes over again !!

It hits so hard I can not breathe. I get no air I suffocate from the inside ..

The feeling of being stuck in an eternal panic attack that never ends

A feeling so unreal. so incomprehensible This is my life my reality!

I am autistic not a disease !!

I no longer know what is true.

Everyone says different things that mean nothing

Everything I hear is incomprehensible and it makes no sense att all

Everyone says how they want me to be. that I need to change my behavior and adapt

Everyone says you can if you want to. Can what change all that I am?

So lost in my thoughts. So confused So damn tired of all the words everyone's judgmental looks.

What are they trying to say what do they want what the hell do they mean.

Just a bunch of words that mean nothing, Yes I know yes I understand!

it has no significance att all !! So understand me see me !!

I'm not like you I do not work like you. I can not become something I am not

I know what's true! I know who I am and always have been. So please see the real me !! 

And try to understand that what you ask of me is something that can never be

I am autistic not a disease !! So understand it is not me who needs to change and accept it is you !!

The choice is simply time to sacrifice myself again!!

I need something!

I do not have time to give myself a minute to stop. I have to think!

So give me an hour a month a year. Wishful thinking there is no time there is no stop.

Everything slips out of my hands. I lose my grip I lose control of my emotions

split and divided into 2. Two ways two lives so little time!

On with the mask again !! Try to shut down all emotions and thoughts

Put me in the back seat bow and pray. Play a game I do not want to play.

For one of us must survive! I must be able to fight for my son's right to a normal life

So the choice is simply time to sacrifice myself again. Here we go again!

Open your eyes and see what it really is before it's too late!!

All I hear you say are empty words!

you do not even see the difference between lack of motivation and mental suffering

I asked why it was just a meeting with the psychologist !!

No one can make an assessment based on a single meeting

Something that everyone should know and understand

I still hear the echo of your words they are not accepting people right now

They have shut down due to corona. That you have tried in every way

Just empty fucking words !! All it took for me was a single phone call

To find out that it has never been a problem to have contact with a psychologist.

He could have gotten help a long time ago if you only had the time to make a single call

But it is very obvious that you do not take his self-harming behavior or his mental health seriously

That you close your eyes to a child who locks himself in a room

Urinates in bottles and cuts himself who has completely stopped taking care of his hygiene

But worst of all is to hear you say that if you saw that his condition worsened, you would do something about it.

So open your fucking eyes and see what it really is before it's too late

Half a year of eternal nightmares that never end!

Half a year has passed!

A painful process. A worry that never lets go a constant anxiety and inner fear

Thoughts and feelings that never subside. So many ?

No answers just an icy silence. So unbearably painful not to know. 

Not being a part of everything !! Not being able to be there for him

The feeling of hopelessness a lost battle. A lack of trust and faith. 

The screams have silence the echoes have subsided but the shadows remain

I still hear him scream for help I still see him here

The pain and the fear the panic and the anxiety! Constantly lying there bubbling beneath the surface.

Where every breath every movement every sound. Can trigger a chain reaction.

An emotional explosion that hits so hard and brutally.

Where everything comes at once a million thoughts a million emotions.

Cannot filter or process. Just chaos and more chaos!

A surge of emotions all at once.

Half a year of eternal nightmares that never end!

Is that what you think responsibility means?

To hear you mention the word responsibility!

Makes me feel sick !! You who mentally abused me!

You who have beaten me! You who took my childhood from me

Took my innocence away from me saying I was useless

Not even your child! You who constantly abused everyone

You who always used violence and physical abuse

To hear you say the word responsibility !! You who literally threw me out at the age of 13

Forced me to live with the person who raped me !!

I was sexually abused mentally abused from the age of 3

I was so terrified I screamed constantly and refused to go out

And no one helped me especially not you !!

And this is what you think responsibility means.

Hur kommer det sig att ni aldrig har gjort detta?

                                           

Bemötande: 

• Lyssna till personen och ställa frågor i syfte att förmedla sin vilja att försöka förstå dennes upplevelser.
• Utveckla ett icke-dömande förhållningssätt
• Försäkra sig om att personen med självskadebeteende är fullt involverade i beslut som rör behandling och omvårdnad
• Att få personen att känna sig sedd och förstådd samt minska det känslomässiga påslaget. Bekräfta det lidande du uppfattar hos personen som skadat sig själv
• Att genom att förmedla tydlighet och öppenhet (genuinitet) öka personens benägenhet att känna tillit.
• Att bryta negativa beteendemönster och minska hopplöshetskänslor.
• Självskadebeteendet ska inte ignoreras, det är i regel varken effektivt eller etiskt rimligt. Ett effektivt bemötande i detta avseende handlar alltså inte om att ignorera självskadebeteende.
• Att betrakta självskadebeteende som ett manipulativt beteende är inte effektivt utan förhindrar istället möjligheterna att förstå och kunna hjälpa
• Hur kommer det sig att ni aldrig har gjort detta?
• Hur kommer det sig att ni aldrig har tagit hans känslor på allvar
• Hur kommer det sig att ingen har förklarat vad och varför han är där
• Hur kommer det sig att ni konstant har ignorerat det han utrycker
• Hur kommer det sig att ni konstant lyssnar på föreståndarens ord och inte hans
• Ni tar er inte ens tid att göra det som är eran skyldighet 
• Att skydda ett barn och se till att dom inte far illa
• Ni har helt ignorerat honom!! lämnat honom isolerad och livrädd
• Ni har skapat ett beetende mönster som aldrig fanns
• Tack vare er ser han inte längre en framtid! 

Never ignore a child who self-harms himself !!

Ignorance kills !!

To ignore a self-harming behavior is to play with fire

To close your eyes and pretend you do not see !! Is to play a play with someone else's life

To think that it disappears and passes by itself is pure madness

The only thing it shows is that no one cares if he lives or dies

Once it's started, it's just getting worse! the cuts will only get deeper and deeper

Because when self-harm no longer helps and relieves the inner pain and anxiety

Never ignore a child who self-harms himself !!

Prevent suicide !! Open your eyes and listen give support encourage do not ignore save lives do not take them

Blood is not thicker than water!!

 

You asked me to make a choice!

And to do what's best for me

And the truth is !! Is that the best thing for me is to erase you from my life

I do not need to hear understand! It is you who needed to listen and understand

But it's always the same!! You hear what you want to hear !

You claim that you do not remember And that it has never happened !!

You say I'm lying !! That I was never sexually exploited physically and mentally abused

I do not need you !! I never needed you I will never need you!

I do not need the nightmares the constant anxiety, the flashbacks that you constantly trigger

So thanks for absolutely nothing I'm done I'm over it

You are all just a fading memory! Family means nothing nothing at all!!

 I tried to extend a hand to get your help to help my son! But you turn it against me as you always do and you blame me for everything

An autistic guide to toxic people!!

            An autistic guide to toxic peopl As an autistic person, i find it difficult to understand some people don’t have good intentions.

 

For what is written is their truth!!

It's funny to be judged in advance

That no one sees who you are !! You never get a chance

You are just a paper where the words are distorted and give a false image

I have been thrown in and out of healthcare all my life misunderstood and misdiagnosed

It's scary when looking for answers !! why am I not like another why do I not fit in

Why do I not understand others why everyone thinks in such a strange way.

Why do I not work among people messy environments

And all you heard was year after year you are depressed.

Take a pill and and everything will be fine. You need to get out !! be among people.

Everything I tried to say I can not! I need to rest !! Shut out the world to be left alone to recover and process

But no one listened or understood that I had autism

It has been a long hard journey through life where one has never felt accepted or understood.

When I turned 48, I finally got the answer, but then it was too late

For everything I am now is what is written in my medical records

So I'm just a piece of paper! My words mean nothing !! For what is written is their truth

And I'm still struggling to get all the pieces together to make my life work again!

You were the ones who ruined his life!!

Thanks to you, he has got bacterial fear

Thanks to you, he has developed a self-harming behavior

Thanks to you, he is suicidal and terrified

And you still blame me !! For everything you have created and done

It was a physical assault that started it all and I told you so

I said clearly that you have to stop and rethink and find another way

Instead, you wanted to start all over again, repeat everything again!

I asked if you know what the definition of insanity is

To repeat the same thing over and over again and expect a different result

And you made it very clear that I had nothing to say about it

Even though I said I was not okay with him staying at that school

Which literally triggered everything from the start

And after that nothing worked and you put the blame on me

Then began the threats of coercion that only increased his strees and anxiety

Instead of giving him a chance, you just made everything worse

It's pretty painful that you do not understand !! That you were the ones who ruined his life

And yet you see no signs of suicide!!

It's weird that I'm the one who lacks everything

Is the only one who always brings out everything you miss

How can you not notice that a child cuts himself and injures himself

Even though I have repeatedly said that he is suicidal

You continue to say that you do not see any signs and that the risk is low

How fucking blind are you all the signs are right in front of you

He has locked himself in his room, he no longer takes care of his hygiene

He neither eats nor sleeps properly. He has constant anxiety

So many signs so clearly so easy to see and understand

And yet you see no signs of suicide!!

You do not even give him a chance to express himself!!

It hurts!!

To always be minimized criticized

Accused of not being good enough lacking in everything

I have done everything myself without support or help

I have supported encouraged motivated helped him in every way

I have been his voice his security I have fought for his rights

I've done all the things you say I have not done.

I was the only one he had the only one who did not abandon him

The only one who stuck around and never betrayed or gave up

I may not have the social skills but it's part of my autism

All you saw was my anxiety and strees which are also part of autism

You claim that you can not see the differences in what is my or my son's problem

It only proves the lack of understanding and knowledge

For our problematic is one and the same !! We both are autistic!!

So what you are saying is that I am lacking in everything because of my Autism

And the only thing I've ever done is be the best father I could ever be

I may not fit into the picture of how you think it should be

But that image is me and it's all because of Autism

So what you're telling me is that because of my disability I'm not good enough

What do you think it sends for signals to a child who is just like me

To be told that it is not okay to work and be who he is

That the one he trusts and wants to live with The only one who is still fighting for him is lacking in everything

Who is constantly trying to get his son's own words and voice to be heard and understood

The only one who gave him everything you say I did not do

I'm not the one who has not listened, it's you you never gave him a chance

Not even now are you listening to him and you still think you know what is best for him

Without even giving him a chance to express himself

Omänskligt och helt jävla sjukt!!

Att utsätta ett autistiskt barn för konstant ångest och stress!

Att tvinga honom att bo under sådana omständigheter

Är inte bara omänskligt men helt jävla sjukt!!

It is a violation of human rights and psychological abuse!!

Seeing him fall apart more and more

Without being able to do anything to help him

They say it is voluntary how can something be voluntary

That he is there of his own free will When the constant threat

Intimidation tactics and abuse of power are not voluntary

To scare a child and force him to live with constant fear and anxiety

It is not just an abuse of power, it is a violation of human rights and psychological abuse

He is the silent invisible autistic child !!

                                     

It is frightening how a society can treat a human being

That they can judge what is best for an individual

Without even letting him have the opportunity to express himself

The silent terrified child who does not understand why they expose him to this

Why he is not accepted for who he is why is it not okay to be him

That he has to change something he can not !! Adapt to becoming someone he is not

When they have never given him a chance to speak for himself

They have taken his rights away from him, silenced his voice

Extinguished his will to live !! Taken his hope and faith away from him

He is the silent invisible autistic child !!

Det här är Sverige i dag en verklighet som ingen ser!

Kan någon förklara för mig!

För jag förstår verkligen inte hur

Man anser att det är bra när han uträtar sina behov i flaskor

För att han är för rädd att gå på toaletten

Kan någon förklara för mig!!

Att allt är bra när han varken äter eller sover som han ska

Hur kan en plats som är så skrämmande för honom vara bra

Kan någon förklara för mig!

Hur socialtjänsten kan behandla barn så här

Så både fysikt och psykiskt lidande är bra

Så kan någon förklara för mig!!

Hur man kan behandla en människa med autism så här

Det här är Sverige i dag en verklighet som ingen ser

Så Vem kan rädda min son från socialtjänstens klor

Men nu behöver jag verkligen din hjälp!!

Jag har inte sovit på dagar

Måste tänka utan för deras idiotiska fyrkant

Hitta ett kryphål någonting som jag kan använda

Men det är svårt med alla deras lögner och falskspel

Hur får man fram sanningen när lögnerna används i mot en

När är mitt ord mot socialtjänsten 

Jag ber till gud att han öppnar upp och berättar och får fram hur illa dom har behandlat honom

Utan hans röst utan hans ord kommer ingen att tro på mig

Men jag måste hitta en väg det måste finnas en väg!!

 Jag kommer alltid att älska och skydda dig på alla sätt jag möjligen kan

Men nu behöver jag verkligen din hjälp!! 

The power of autism!!

Trying to get in touch with a Chief Prosecutor

I'm not going to lie down, give up or let him down

I will fight with everything I have !! I'll find a way

I may have lost the first battle, but the war is not over

I'm not going to give up until he's here by my side

Those who think I am lacking in everything do not know who I am

The power of autism when you get focus, there is nothing that can stop me

En familj i spillror år av skrämseltaktik och hot!!

Det är obehagligt att inte veta vad som är på gång

Den totala tystnaden! Bara sittande här och väntar på den stora smällen

Han har inte förmågan att kontakta ringa någon ingen att prata med

Han vet inte ens varför han är där ensam i ett mörkt rum

han förstår inte varför dom slet bort honom från sit hem

Nu vet han sina rättigheter men han är så skräckslagen att han inte vågar komma hem

Alla år av hot har satt sig för djup så inte ens jag åker dit vågar han fortfarande inte

Hoten om tvångs vård har krossar hans själ

En familj i spillror år av skrämseltaktik och hot

Varken han eller hans mor vågar få honom där i från

Och om jag gör det så kan dom fortfarande tvinga honom att stanna

På grund av hans mors medgivande har dom all rät att göra som dom vill

På en plats där inget ljus når fram och mörkret har tagit över!!

När allt faller samman!

När allt upprepas om och om igen.

Jag hör ordet!! jag ser hans tomma blick, det finns inget kvar.

Inget ljus ingen glädje. Bara en tom figur så uppgiven

Så sluten och känslomässigt kall. En skrämmande och mörk verklighet.

En plågad och förlorad själ övergiven och ensam

På en plats där inget ljus når fram och mörkret har tagit över

It's pretty weird that you still do not understand!!

As it is now!

And has been for months

This is exactly what you used against me

And That you still can not see the pattern scares me

I have said once I have said twice and a thousand times more

That he has always crashed and burned !!

But this time I'm afraid he'll never recover

All the stress.the anxiety and the constant fear

Which meant that he never gets any recovery or rest

He is trapped in a place where he does not feel safe

So how can you believe that something can change

It's pretty weird that you still do not understand

To send someone back to a living hell is pure madness !!

It is strange that you can make decisions without talking to the person

How can you judge what is best for someone without even asking

How can you believe that a few days of freedom will change anything at all

How can you believe without knowing what the person in question feels

How can you believe that the anxiety and fear will disappear

When you already know that it is the place that creates it

To send someone back to a living hell is pure madness !!

How can you not understand that it will only make everything worse

Before it's too late !!

I really do not know what to do

Should I go get him home and increase his anxiety

he is terrified that the social services will make things even worse

That he will be trapped in their claws until he is 21

But how can it get worse than it already is there is only one thing that can make it worse

And I do not even want to think about it !! It scares me

That he is so terrified because of all the threats

That he exposes himself to daily anxiety and fear

Because he is terrified of the social services

So what should I do I do not want to create more anxiety and stress for him

I wish I had a car then he would already be here

It is not easy when you do not have the ability to get there

In one way or another, I have to get him out of there

Before it's too late !!

They can ruin people's lives without consequences!!

I have contacted everyone and no one can help him

It is difficult to understand that no one can help a child who lives in terrible conditions

That there is no one who can except the social services

To those who are responsible for the whole situation

How can you report them when they are the ones who violate his rights

It's scary that they have such power that you can not fight them

That there is no way to change or even to be heard

Once they have decided what is right or wrong

It is frightening to think of all the children who are torn away from their families

How they can ruin people's lives without consequences

Where has honesty gone? How can you lie?

What the hell is wrong with people!

There is no honesty among them, no compassion

How can they say that can affect or do anything

That it is the social services that decide

I believed that all human beings have a duty to protect a child from harm

How fucking stupid can you be if you see a child suffer

Day in and day out and claiming that you can do nothing

Where has honesty gone? How can you lie?

When you all know he's not feeling well, he is suicidal

And he just wants to come home! Which is his right

You deny him his freedom and claim that he is there of his own free will

And still you say you do not know but I have said it a thousand times before

So why the hell are you not listening !! But I guess I already know

That you do everything to keep him away from me

Without even taking into account that he just breaks more and more

So where is humanity when the social services can do as they please

I can only pray to God that he will survive this hell!!

The fear of the unknown !!

Not knowing or understanding why

Being forced with intimidation tactics and threats

Without even knowing why he has to be moved

Not understanding why it's not okay to be him

Why they say he needs to learn something he already knows

He can already cook, clean and take care of most things himself

There was never any problem before the physical assault.

Everything turned around and collapsed, then the threats began

Which only aggravated an already bad situvatin

Where his stress and anxiety made the fear grow stronger

They never listened, they never understood what damage they inflicted

I can only pray to God that he will survive this hell!! they forced him to because of constant threats

I know how terrified and anxious he is!!

It would be nice to sleep for a while

Let the anxiety and stress stop for a second

It would be nice to know that he is safe and well

But it is only a dream a wish there is no rest

There is nothing that calms the inner anxiety

When I know how terrified and anxious he is

This is a parent's worst nightmare !!

Not being able to protect one's own child, not even being able to be there

Not being able to calm down gives security and love when it is needed most

I'm dying inside !! But I can 't give up. I'm the only one he has

Who is constantly fighting for him

It is not easy to fight alone against an army! But I'm not going to lie down and give up

It is so clear to see that you will never understand autism!!

The only thing you ever did for him

Is to have taken piece by piece of him

For every failed attempt every new threat

you only succeeded in increasing his anxiety and fear

Each time, more of his dreams disappeared

Every time you prove to him that people can not be trusted

The further away he came from everything you took his will his trust

You crushed everything he was, you broke down his identity

Without giving him a chance to express himself

He has autism !! And if you do not understand

That his world is different from yours !! it is so clear to see that you will never understand

And it's sad to see! That you do not even understand or realize what you have done

And you're still playing the blame on the game

It was never me, it was always you

I wish the world was a better place!!

 

I wish it was visible !!

That everyone could see the chaos, all the anxiety, all the inner stress

I wish everyone would understand and accept what they do not understand

Having a hidden disability is not easy in today's world

Where everyone should be and function in the same way

Fit melt in follow a straight line be a copy bow and pray

I wish the world was a better place

Where everyone was accepted for who they are

But History repeats itself over and over again !!

It is frightening to see that humanity never learns